I had a dream once...

I seemed to be on my way to my room when suddenly, she appeared behind me. She wore a striking red dress, that hugged her upper body revealing her neck and shoulders but the skirt spread out slightly(kinda like the kind girls wear to sunday church) and ended just slightly below the knee. I don't recall her saying anything, but she just stands there with an expectant smile. I didn't say anything either, but I scramble for my keys, apparently in a hurry to get my door unlocked, I somehow have the feeling I have to go somewhere with this woman. When I get inside, I rush to find my jacket, to check my wallet, and a to do whole lot of other stuff I think i need before I go. Then I rememeber telling her, "Wait".

"I'm waiting", I hear her say. But when I look back she's no longer at the door. I rush out to see where she's gone, and I see her standing at a distance, her red even more striking against the dark gray stone walls that suddenly surround her. But still she seems calm and still she has that quiet smile.

I rush back inside, I continue to look for something, though I can no longer recall what exactly it was I had to find before I could be with the woman in red. Everytime I check outside the door, she seems to be standing farther away. I keep saying "Wait" as I try to rush my search even faster. And I keep hearing her say, "I'm waiting". One more look outside and I no longer see her, but still I go inside looking for something. And that's when I wake up. But then I hear it one last time...

"I'm waiting..."

....

"Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass."
-Euripides

CELLPHONE PHOTOGRAPHY

Well, I have been busy lately with the lantern parade preparations being an FA student and all, but working overnight in the college does have it's perks. Like for example, getting to bond with my classmates and walk around the campus at the wee hours. One night was particularly great coz there was a fog...I've never experienced a fog in UP despite my being an "ancient" one. So we took the chance to walk around, and I actually got to take a few cool pictures of it too...though I won't be able to upload most of them coz my computer crashed and these few are the ones I got to salvage. Actually, I only got to salvage one night shot...the rest were taken at around 6am...oh well. It was so cool...literally and figuratively. It was as if we were in baguio coz we could see our breaths whenever we exhale.



It's great I got to save this one coz it's my fave...it looks so eerie...:)












Fog, fog, fog. UP is so beautiful with the fog:)



I got to meet Julia Clarete... though I'm not really sure who she is. I heard she's a famous artista and she won some reality show that let's her have a role in some hollywood flick. I couldn't be in this pic since I am the photographer...bummer.

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"Tragedy is if I cut my finger, comedy is if I walk into an open sewer and die."-Mel Brooks

I remember a little incident I had on my way to work in Makati a few months ago. It was never a big deal for me to commute from UP to the office(or studio rather), and I was surprised at myself for not even feeling a pang of irritation or discomfort when one day, the sight of traffic was really bad because there was a major rally going on. As I finally got to Makati avenue, I was greeted by the largest and longest assembly of people in red shirts with flags that screamed "OUST GLORIA" I have ever seen. Even then, there was hardly any negative reactions from myself to the situation. But I thought it was wise to linger in the streets in the least amount of time possible just in case things would get terribly awry, as this usually seems to happen in the evening news. So I walked at a faster pace on the crowded sidewalk but I was careful not to bump into anyone. But one sidewalk vendor carrying cigarettes and candy in a box on her shoulder made a careless turn as her back was turned to me and we bumped into each other...quite hard, which sent all her stuff flying to the ground with coins making that sound they make only on accidents such as these. She then goes screaming "P!#@$$# Ina!" and a whole lot of other stuff I'm less familiar with. I think she was shouting coz she expected that I would already be a good distance away from the incident but she ceased her profanities when she saw me pick up some of the stuff that fell and that a few others did the same. When everything was back in order she apologized to me and offered some explanation as to why she reacted the way she did at first, though I couldn't really hear her, I think I knew what she was trying to say. To let her know it was okay, I offered her a polite smile and went on my way. It was then I realized that I seemed unusually calm about things. Something was different...good different. Though it isn't exactly unfamiliar territory, it's a rare occurence (as I would suspect would be the case for most of us). I remember one other time I was like this, at some higher state of peace, and it was 7 years ago. I wasn't kidding about it being a rare occurence, hehe. I was still a freshman in college in a new place, on my own and seemingly far from home...though some would probably say I handled the adjustment pretty well. Anyway, I realize now that it was a weird time for me as I look back at it. It was then I think that I found out what God was really about. Probably the best thing that could happen to anyone... wait, let me rephrase that. It is the best thing that could happen to anyone... finding out how REAL He is. That would have probably been the reason why I was at peace with myself back then, a state that lasted for almost two months. But little did I know, that beginning from that time on until the years that would follow, the events that would unfold would destroy a boy. Funny how it turned out. I found my God but lost my way. But I am still thankful, that though my eyes would never hold that same smile I did back then, I still have some semblance of that peace inside me that I found long ago.

....

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."- Anais Nin

Happy birthday mom! hehe, now there's a greeting I hope she'll never get to read. And I don't think I'm alone in the fact that most people would rather not have their parents, family members, dentists and probable mother-in-laws know where their blog is. But really, I wish my mom all the best and the best of health...and probably a little less of her hypochondria, hehe.

Well, fridays always have more of a zing to it than the other week days, and the last one was no exception. Although it started out slow 'coz classes haven't really started thanks to lazy professors (just the way I like 'em), it started to pick-up in the afternoon. After hanging around the college with my classmates, I started off to vinzon's hall to meet up with some SW pips. Later, after much discussion about "sharing" the faith, the girls invited us out to dinner and it was then that I realized that it was already quite dark. We ended up in MCdonalds katipunan and had a fun time all throughout the evening. There was a lot of clay lying around for some reason and Flo had some of us make some miniature Mcdo products out of them for her. I was happy for that time and that I got to know better the other people of SW. But at around 10pm, we called it a night and they all headed off back to their respective homes. I on the other hand, decided to rent some videos since 10pm is still a tad too early for the likes of me. But when I got to the rental shop, I didn't find any of the available videos to my enticement...so I decided to head home empty-handed. I guess it was gonna be another Diablo night (the pc game). So I hailed a cab and headed back for dear old UP. It wasn't 10:30pm yet so I suspected that the gate by Romulo Hall was still open thus I opted for the Balara route hoping to shave off some miles from the fare if I were to take the longer route through the University Avenue. But as we reached the gate, it was already closed but I told the driver that I would get down there nonetheless. And as the taxi made a left turn...

BAM!!!

Suddenly something hits the car, and I see this guy flying from the left side up to the front as his motorbike hits the ground with the impact. I freeze up, wondering if this was really happening. I don't try to look out, but I breath a little easier when I see the motorcycle driver get up. The taxi driver pulls his window down and shouts, "Pare, ano problema mo? nakasignal ako! lasing ka ba?", as the former starts walking towards the drivers window. The motorcycle driver dressed in a plain white shirt and dark blue formal pants then demands in a somewhat raspy voice, "Akin na lisensya mo.". Of course the cab driver doesn't comply and continues to argue with him and asks him if he's drunk. Later on, they then decide to pull the car over to the side because they were starting to cause a build-up in traffic. They continue to argue and the motorcycle driver continues to demand the cab driver's license while the cabbie continues to argue with him as well as ask other people around (including myself) to talk some sense into the seemingly dazed out yet clearly irrate biker. I had my payment ready in my left hand and the right hand on the door handle expecting the worst. Suddenly, as they continue to argue, the biker lands a left on the cabbie as he's seated in the driver's seat with the windows down. The driver prepares to retaliate as he starts to step down from the cab, but as he does this, the biker then goes for his belt bag and pulls out a gun (a 38cal)!! He shouts, "Sige, babarilin kita! Babarilin kita!". At this point, I throw my cab fare in the front seat and get out of the car but I try not to dash for it since I didn't want to draw his attention and that I thought I was still safe as long as I wasn't in his sights being on the other side of the car. The driver however gets back into the car and tries to drive away while I think I see him motioning to me as if he was saying it's okay for me to make a run for it. By this time I notice that there were 3 security guards(armed) nearby and did absolutely nothing though one started to come closer. The cab driver doesn't speed off but pulls over again probably thinking that if he did otherwise the biker/off-duty security guard was more likely to decide on actually using the gun. I didn't find the need to linger much longer but started to walk away from the scene. As soon as I think I'm from a safe distance I look back and see if the commotion died down...which I think I did and I didn't hear any gunshot. So quite relieved...I head back to the safety of my room. Yeah, something always happens on a Friday.

....

"Experience isn't what happens to a person, it's what a person does when something happens to him"- uhmmm...i dunno

I'm baaaack! And that means that once again I am kissing the ground on the tarmac for I have been spared from a fiery fate of plummeting into the earth in a coffin disguised as a flying steel contraption more popularly known as an airplane. whew!

It's only now that I realize as I get back to my boarding house that I had a pretty great semestral break. Of course, as usual, I spent most of the time watching the tv. But for once, I did get to do most of the things I set out to do. For instance, I've finished reading a couple of books such as Mere Christianity, The Da Vinci Code, Who moved my Cheese, and a few others. I've also cleared out all the stuff I would no longer need so I could free up some closet space and did all the neccessary "heavy" laundry back home. Over the past months, I have very well noticed that I no longer have a healthy lifestyle. I don't have regular sleep patterns, I hardly have the propper diet and I don't exercise quite as regularly anymore. But over the sembreak, I put an end to it, and hopefully I'll be able to keep this up (I've already gained 10lbs, whoopee!). The greatest deterrent(am I spelling that right?) though, as always has been the fiscal factor. Here In manila, good food isn't nearly as easy on the pockets as when I'm in Cebu...I guess I'll just have to make a few sacrifices and budget things well. I was also all too happy when other prospects for earning some extra cash developed over the past month, but in the fear of jinxing it, I'd rather not go into that right now.

I also got to play a lot of sports over the break. Played basketball with my younger brothers group of friends as well as badminton with my brothers and their friends. But I was most happy when I've finally upped my bowling game. Over the break I've played a total of eight games with the scores of 155, 174, 182, 142, 188, 160, 165 and 177...getting an average of about 167, the highest I've had thus far. It isn't quite at real competition level but it does establish me as a force to reckon with within the family (it is afterall, our family sport). But I have to tip my hat to my third eldest brother who scored a 254 in a single game, setting the highest record in the family (which used to be held by me with 214 points, huhuhu). It was quite a feat to witness, my brother doing a total of 9 strikes, only 3 strikes shy of a perfect game. Although this performance was considered a fluke (haha, sorry bro!), him being the ultimate trash talker in our kin (he is the lawyer afterall), I wouldn't be surprised to find him gloating for the rest of our lives. Unless of course someone else in the family beats that record...which is almost improbable in my opinion.

Though I regret not having been able to meet or talk to my close friends in cebu as much as I would have hoped to in the duration of my break there, I took solace in the fact that in a month's time, I would be back to have other oppurtunities to do so. I did however get to spend time with other friends, one who was a batchmate of my younger brother in highschool who gave me a tour of the College of Fine Arts in UP Cebu and we ended up having coffee later in the evening. I also finally got to pay her my utang na painting for not so long ago, she did me a big favor.
One of my manila friends also dropped by Cebu on her way to Davao so I treated her and her friends out for dinner at Golden Cowrie, a restaurant that is a must-try for any out-of-towner. It's kinda weird that suddenly I realize I'm usually in the company of people much younger than myself. I wonder if that has anything to do at all with the fact that now I am a bit more, hmmm...shall we say, pleasant? Optimistic? less-irritable? hmmm...could be, could be.

But the best part of my vacation was that after everything that has happened in the past, I felt like we were a family again. Maybe it had something to do with my brothers wedding, I'm not so sure. But I am still quite thankful that some peace, although probably temporary( I don't want to be optimistic about it), settled in our household over the past month. I may very well learn to appreciate what value there is in the simple things we share with loved ones. God knows we need all of them.

...

I have now settled in my room, having mixed emotions about being back into the busy life of manila. As I think of all the things that have happened back home and what comfort I may have found while I was there, I suddenly realize and see for the first time that yes... my room seems very small indeed.

....


You are cold, and distant. But, don't despair, for
there is kindness in your heart also. You just
have to find it. *hugs*


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"Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change."
-Confucius

Why is it that whenever I get in front of a computer nowadays my mind just goes blank? All those random thoughts I want to rant about just goes poof into the air. I really must bring back the habit of having a pen and pad handy just in case...oh well. But then again, the world is better off not knowing the things that go on this two celled brain of mine, hehe. But really, I guess I have been rather quiet, probably just not in the writing mood. And in some way, I figure it has something to do with the fact that I am in Cebu. Whenever I'm home, two things change considerably, one is my standard of living(a good thing) and the second being the level of privacy I have(not a very good thing for me). Living comfortably somewhat takes out the philosopher out of anybody. Wasn't it Arisitotle who said, "have a good wife and you will be a happy man, find a bad wife and you become a philosopher"? Well, my point is that when you find yourself in "bad" circumstances, it gets you thinking and thinking gets you writing. Well, that's usually how it works for me. As for the level of privacy, well it's hard to be certain aspects of yourself whenever you are around family members. And I just can't stand too many questions and lousy comments...I'm really not in the mood to elaborate.

Well, I guess I should talk about my brothers wedding. People I know swamp me with questions on the details of how it went. For some reason, I am not yet in the mood to talk about it...well at least not in detail. In a nutshell, it was PERFECT! Everything went well, everyone was happy, and there were things that happened I thought I'd never see, haha! Anyway, I'll try to upload videos and pics...try being the key word! haha.

Speaking of videos and pics, I finally have a new phone, whooopeeee!! It's a brand new Sony Ericsson k750i...and man it's got everything, haha! I couldn't help but busy myself taking pictures and videos here and there! At least now there are a few other things I can do when I'm bored.

Oh well, I don't have any ideas on what else to talk about so I guess I'll end it here. Maybe when I'm back in manila, the wheels of sarcasm and cynicism will kick in gear once again. Till then, adios!:)

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"War is not about who is right, but about who is left."-some samurai guy

Last Friday, I decided to tag along with some FA classmates to a friend's house to work overnight for a plate to be submitted tomorrow. Despite the fact that i was literally on my last threads (since the laundry service was delayed for a day), I agreed after some prodding from my classmates and that they reassured me that all I really needed to bring along was a toothbrush. But mainly, I decided to tag along coz I hoped that this would motivate me in doing the plate. This certain subject, due to the way the professor has been teaching it, has been a challenge in the aspect of motivation and arguably even relevance. The short explanation is that he is soooo boring and cosequently, the subject becomes boring.

Anyway, Ate Wena treated us to an early dinner at Grill Queen, which is somewhere in teachers village. The barbecue was sooo good...busog talaga! After that, some in the group headed home while the rest of those who were gonna do the "overnight" thing headed for Ministop to get some provisions for the night. Me on the other hand headed back to the boarding house to take a bath and get that toothbrush I needed. At about 9pm, I met up with Grace(another friend on her way to the overnight thing), para sabay na kaming pumunta. At around 10 we arrived at my friends house and started to work. But I was also glad for the chance to work with a tv around, hehe. But it wasn't a distraction. Really!

When some people got tired, we played a bit of pusoy dos and had some pancit canton at around 3:30 am...i think. It was a great chance for me to get to know or bond with my classmates better though I think I'm getting along quite well with them....uhm, relatively well if anyone knew how much of a social life I had back in my arkitorture days. In the morning of Saturday (we probably just got at the most 2 hours of sleep), we had an early celebration for Abi's birthday. It was nothing too fancy but I think it excuded genuine warmth. And that was when we all really talked or got to ask some really personal questions to one another. Sorry though coz not a lot of it I can talk about here in my blog. But all in all, I was glad to agree to the overnight thing.

Later in the afternoon, I met up with the "alumni" people for Stillwaters. It was the first time Miko would not deliver the "talk" himself coz we agreed a week before to have rounds among the members to do the devotional(i think that's what it's called)...also, I think it was the first time tita Rachel attended. And I have to say that yesterday was very successful...I really think we have something going here, and that numbers aren't really an issue. I'm just glad that I've allowed myself to be surrounded by people who themselves really intend to look for God.

I think I'll end it here...my stomachs starting to growl...

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"Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity."
-Conan O'Brien

There is nothing beyond the sound of rain hitting rooftops. I can't seem to sleep but somehow listening to Bic Runga's Drive calms me down. I don't suppose it's a crime to slowdance with a faceless woman from time to time(Though admitting to it should be ;p). Sometimes, I wonder what it feels like to hold someone...and for once not think about what it might be you feel for her, or if she even feels the same, or worse think that this is all in your head and not in hers. I wonder what it's like, just for once, to be sure. To hold her hand in yours, keep her close and sway to music that says everything...and just be in that moment.

There's a voice in my head that tells me that once upon a time, I may have had just that. I'm not talking about the slowdance...I've have never done that with anyone 3-dimensional yet. I'm talking about being sure about somebody. But that "once upon a time" didn't quite have an ever after ending, so I guess I was wrong. But that's all past now, I am simply saying that it is truly a beautiful thing when a man and a woman can say that he or she is truly loved by the other. The knowledge of legitimate intimacy, for lack of better words in my vocabulary, is soothing, liberating and almost overwhelming.

I'm not even sure if being sure is what I really want. In so many ways, what I really want is to be unafraid. To be unafraid of what I feel, of whatever I feel I may have to say or of what I may have to do. I don't want to think about things too much anymore. I want to fall, not caring if I hit hard ground or whatever it is we hit when we reach the bottom of it. I don't mean to imply that we should let our emotions just take over and lose our mind over these things. I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to let the questions dissipate into the air, things like "will she like me back?", "will anything really come of it?", "is it worth the risk?" and the like. To just not care about the what-ifs and the maybe's that shadow the honesty of things. That if it is what is, then I would welcome it. To have no other reason to pursue things save for the fact that is damn truth about the situation I'm in. That if nothing would come out of it, then there would be no shame in trying to love something(someone) honestly.

Hmmm, I think I'm starting to think too much again. Maybe it's better for me to just concentrate on dancing with the faceless woman for the rest of the song...


....

"The Defense Department said that troops in Afghanistan discovered several tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in "The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break."
-Conan O'Brien

Ha! I knew it!

Decent pay, time-convenient, fun and interesting...it was too good too last, haha:) I'm talking about my job of course, the whole Visayan dubbing project for GMA 7 got shut down...boohoo hoo;p They say the whole thing didn't get good revues from Cebu (I'm also not surprised about that). Oddly enough, I wasn't too affected by the news, but I couldn't say the same for everyone else on the project. Some of them started dissing the "Cebu" people...so I was just in the corner going...laLalalala...:) Before I left, the boss (tita Jing) said that she'll contact us when there are upcoming projects, but this time, we would have to audition in Tagalog. Although she encouraged me to do so even before, I really don't have the skill in that particular language in even just the everyday stuff (as all my friends would attest) much more for national tv. So I'm not sure if I'll try that, hehe. Though I'm really thankful for the experience and it was fun while it lasted. Hmm...so after that...what's next? :)

....

I've been on a high recently...and I have almost no idea as to why. The funny thing is, a lot of things went awry from the days that have gone by, like the irregular status of my employment as I've already mentioned above, the weather, the fact that I had no money over the weekend coz my bank and it's atm network was totally offline throughout the city, my bag tearing up, my dirty laundry falling in the middle of the street (Commonwealth Ave. no less!), bumping into weird people(I'd rather not elaborate), and so much more. But like I said, I'm on an unnatural high, all these things and more didn't shake the mood I was in, not even bring out a sigh of irritation...nothing! Haha, I dunno... it's been a while since I've ever been like this...and I hope it's a good sign and not proof that I may have already lost my marbles, haha. Maybe having a relaltively orderly room nowadays has done wonders to my ability to cope with stress. Hmm, when I say an "orderly room", I merely imply that from living conditions that were once sub-human...it has been upgraded as far as my living standards are concerned; But to the average person...my place is still pretty much a dump, haha!

It's too bad for my neighbors though when I'm like this...I'm likely to sing my lungs out in the shower, oooh boy...;p


....

"You have no enemies, you say?
Alas, my friend, the boast is poor.
He who has mingled in the fray of duty
that the brave endure, must have made foes.
If you have none, small is the work that you have done.
You've hit no traitor on the hip.
You've dashed no cup from perjured lip.
You've never turned the wrong to right.
You've been a coward in the fight"
-Charles MacKay

The sun is finally out and it's a beautiful Sunday...and what do I do? I sit in front of a computer, haha. Well, it's not really my fault. Being a Sunday, I can't really look for people to have some fun-filled activities to spend the day with. Days like these, I wish I were in cebu with my brothers, just having one of those trash-talking sportsfests filled with empty bets and lame jokes. But I'm not in cebu, and though now would be the perfect time to catch up that dirty laundry I was ranting about... well...tinatamad ako, hehe.

So anyway, I'm just browsing around deviantart...a place(a site rather) that never fails to artistically inspire me...or frustrate me, hehe. I remember all of a sudden the heap of unfinished sketches and paintings I have in my room gathering dust. When I'm in the mood, I get to finish up...but most of the time I tear up a few of them especially when I don't think they'll come out as good as I intended them to be. And that can be irritating, when you know at that moment...there is something you can't achieve. Art is weird in the way that you can't go about it logically...well, not entirely. Yes, skill is important here just as much as skill is needed in solving math equations, but unlike the latter, emotions play a vital role. There is something very intimate with the kinds of lines and strokes one can have depending on your emotions. It's very hard, if even possible at all, to successfully work on a piece that should project a certain feeling when it is not a feeling you are internalizing the moments you are working on it. I guess that's why I always have my music(my collection of favorite songs that is...of varying moods) ready when I'm drawing. Music helps me center on the mood I want to come out in my works, and keeps the consistency of the nature of my lines even between long intervals of retouching. I realize that music has become almost as essential to me as my own need to communicate through art. Hmm...why I am raving on about this...I don't know, hehe.

Hmmm...I guess today I'll try to catch up on those unfinished pieces...or maybe just do laundry. Either way, wish me luck:)

....

"When one buys some of my artwork I hope it is because they will wish to learn from it and not because they think it will match their drapes!" -Christian Corbet

It's been raining the past few days nonstop. It's hard to get laundry done...and I NEED to get laundry done. And I've also been sick on and off the past two weeks, though it's hardly noticeable except for the weight loss I guess. It's weird that I don't look convincingly sick sometimes when I really am. This of course is much more of a disadvantage to myself than it is an advantage. But I like the rainy days, so I'm not really complaining.

Work has been going on well. I got to dub an episode or two in English(the language I'm more comfortable in), and it was a welcome change. Hopefully I'll get a copy of those episodes so that I have something to show for and as proof that at a time, this was actually something I did. Of course it doesn't hurt that my english dubbing isn't quite as bad as my visayan ones...so not as shameful to show around, haha.

School isn't half as bad too. I'm actually having fun, drawing naked people in front of me, black and white photography and designing logos for a zoo...why didn't I find out sooner about this course anyway...sigh.

Funny thing though about the new people I meet is that they have this "bad boy" impression of me. Well, anything is better I guess than a "gay" impression, haha. They actually think I have an active social and dating life, bwahaha...and they always think I'm hiding a girlfriend somewhere(I think my family has the same idea though too). Hmm...I make a lot of jokes about it, but I don't really think I look like a "player" do I? hahaha:) But the thought is more amusing than it is offensive.
Of course, maybe it doesn't help that most of the drawings they see or say I actually do well are of "attractive" women, haha. Oh well, I'm certainly not apologizing for that;p

....

About my new blog design...I do declare... I like it veeery much! haha. And anyone else who says otherwise...well, wala lang. labo ko:) Seriously, I think this is a more personal design, unique, less cluttered and hopefully more organized than the previous one (according to certain individuals). But I still have a few issues left like changing the font color (like the blue in the links and the tagboard), some of them just clash with the general scheme. And hopefully someday, I'll get some background music playing as well...:)

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"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." - George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Last saturday, the original Badminton club memebers were complete once again with Joy descending from her throne from up the mountains, haha. We did the usual sports routine and headed for Gateway mall for lunch. We settled down at TACO BELL...but the guys in the group (which inludes me in case anyone is wondering:P, haha) decided to buy more chow from Wendy's coz boy we were huuungry! (I'm hungry again just writing about it).Then we toured around but got tired pretty quick and decided to look for a coffee place. We ended up in Figaro...where the girls got decent seats and us guys had to fit ourselves on two...uhm...chair cushions(?)...if thats what you call them. I guess it was the lack of anything interesting at the moment that we ended up watching the passersby outside (especially those descending from the escalator> it just occurred to me...maybe it shouldn't be called an escalator when you use it to go down a floor, don't you think?) and dubbed them with crazy conversations. At least we got a few laughs out of that one. Oh yeah...it was also interesting that we as a group commuted via MRT...something I wouldn't have really imagined to happen., haha. Some of us parted ways after that but some of us continued on to katipunan for some Ice Monster treatment. Then Gem, Joy, Miko, Flo and I headed for the student center for the saturday alumni thing for stillwaters(not that I'm an alumni yet, hahaha). In some ways it felt like a "Monday group" reunion as well...but it lacked too many of the essential characters:)

We then had dinner at Mcdo continuing our exchange of jokes and light(and not so light) conversation, and headed back home around 10 but I accompanied Joy to the Bus station since it was already late. It was a nice way to spend Saturday...I'm glad that sometimes I do find myself in good company.

Lost in Makati

I didn't have work yesterday but my dad was in town and so I had to meet up with him since he had some "goodies" for me and my bro. My brother couldn't make it since he's down with the flu (or so he tells us) so I'll have to do this little adventure on my own. I call it an adventure coz I haven't been to this part of Makati in a while and the hotel my dad is staying in is somewhat "low-profile". Well, true enough to my expectations, I end up walking around lost for about two hours...well, at least I enjoy walking in the rain. I learned a few things though, like if you wanna ask for directions, never ask security guards...they don't know squat but will pretend they do. It's better to look for those traffic aides...they were the ones who actually gave me some accurate information.

Eventually I find the hotel with my dad waiting outside and the first thing I notice is how thin he is. He tells me over dinner that it's coz he's been suffering from a toothache...I dunno. Anyway, we decided to watch a movie after at greenbelt. Stealth wasn't bad at all, the story wasn't as linear as I expected it to be and Jessica Biel is HOT!:) haha! But seriously, I think it was very well directed as far as the dog fights and flight scenes were concerned. And my dad enjoyed it too though he seemed much more amused at the fact that we were practically the only ones watching the movie at that time.

A nice bed to sleep in and a hearty bacon breakfast with the works is always a nice change for me, and I'll never ever mind having to commute to makati and back everyday if that was the case, hehe. I bid my dad a safe trip as he hands me the goodies that I came for me and my brother as we part ways from the hotel.

I take the train back and I think about my mom and dad, my brother who's gonna get married on september, and all the other changes that has happened and are continuing to happen... life seems so fast now. And I'm not usually there when stuff happens, especially to the people I'm closest to. I try to think I'll be able to catch up with lost time...but I'm starting to realize, there's no catching up with time...only losing.

tic...toc...tic...toc...tic...

Silence.

There has always been something in silence that seduced me. The quiet things somehow seem more moving, more potent. So much stays in the realm of the unsaid, and after everything else, still so much would remain when we could say all that we can.

I cannot say with how much longing I want to embrace the night. Capture in some way the secrets of my own heart. I seem to enjoy the solitary walks much more than most folks I know. True, it is something most people would find weird or laughable, but people only laugh at things they don't really understand. And people don't understand a lot of things. So many things change, so many things that still stay the same. So much we can have, so much that can be taken away. I try to think of all the things I have...I do, but somehow I just end up thinking of what I've lost. I guess that happens to once-upon-a-time-perfectionists. I remember so many faces, yours among them...though at times only vaguely. But the faces are there nonetheless... an endless sea of smiles made and some...taken away. I'm tired of asking for forgiveness, tired of figuring out what I have to do, tired of trying mostly...and always falling short. You'd think that for someone who's done this dance so many times before, I would have learned a thing or two. But if anything, the years have only made me colder and unfeeling. I'm not a good guy, but I want you to understand that any pain I have or would have given you or anyone else was never what I wanted. I want you to know, despite all the ways I no longer seem to care or no longer try, I'm always sorry about everything. I'm. Always. Sorry.

It isn't always about running away, if that's what you'd want to call it. Sometimes, it's a search...for something real. Do you remember what REAL feels like? It's like that time we sat outside on the ledge waiting for the sun to rise. I told you my secrets, and I almost understood yours. Or like riding the bike downhill or looking at everything from the plane for the first time. Or like the first time I fell in love. But it hardly feels like anything is real anymore. Like I said, things change. I've heard that perhaps it is something that artists suffer, the need to wander off someplace looking for something they cannot seem to find anywhere...or with anyone else. A search for some thing somehow more real than anything else...but without expression or form. I wonder if anyone could imagine how it can be so overwhelming, to be chasing a faceless dream, to have your hours consumed to find a way to put it in some palpable form and scream out loud the emotions it stirs. Or maybe it's not so faceless afterall. Maybe it's a search for something we've already lost. Or it's something we can never have but it's just RIGHT there. I wouldn't really know. And I hate not knowing and not having the answers.

Maybe I am running away. But whatever it is from...I know I can't get away. But I really have no desire to talk about it, people think it helps...but it doesn't. So I'll keep my mouth shut about all these things as much as I can. I'm not in need of saving, and I don't need anyones pity...the world has enough of it, and we all have enough of that for ourselves...

But somehow there is some solace in not having to say anything. Not having to try fitting things into a box...not having to worry about making people understand. There will always be silence.

Usually, I'd apologize for this kind of rambling...but not this time, and probably never again.

My name is James...
Last Sunday, 1:30pm

I("james") was walking from the UP shopping center to my boarding house after I had lunch. When I got to the front of the Infirmary, someone called out to me (a demon hellspawn that crawled out of the woodwork no doubt whom I shall now dub as the "pink diablo")...

pink diablo: Excuse me...
(I turn to look, and notice that the demon has a familiar face...one I see around campus...but faces like his, you could never really get used to seeing.)

pink diablo: uhm, dormer ka ba?

"james": hindi. (I turn away and keep walking as i answer flatly...silently hoping he just wants to ask directions to the nearest plastic surgeon)

pink diablo: boarding house? palagi kitang nakikita dito eh. ako nga pala si (I didn't listen).

...moments of silence...walk walk walk...

pink diablo: Ano pangalan mo?

"james": uhm...(think fast!)...James. (maybe I should've said dante?)

pink diablo: ano college mo? studyante ka ba?

"james": oo

pink diablo: may gagawin ka ba mamaya?

"james" motions hands dismissively.

pink diablo: (doesn't get the point obviously) Gusto mo manood ng sine. *long pause( I don't offer a reply). Libre kita...(he continues).

We are now along the Church of the Risen Lord

pink diablo: sa Area 1 ka ba?

I don't offer a reply but signal my hands as if saying somewhere further off.

pink diablo: natatakot ka ba...?

"james": No. (icy response...is he kidding? scared of his 5 feet of ugliness? He's lucky I don't snuff him out to the fiery pits from whence he came!!)

pink diablo: gusto ko lang naman makipagkaibigan...

"james": ( i turn slightly towards him but never look at him and tell him solidly) Sorry, I'm not interested.

I continue to walk, not turning back to see if he disappeared into a puff of smoke. But for safe measure, I wait out at the ilang shed and pretend to wait for a jeep. after a considerable amount of time, I sense his foul presence has departed and I am free to go home.

....
"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."- from the mouths of Calvin and Hobbes

Some days are longer than most and it has been those kinds of days. But I don't want to go there just yet...lest I say too much and decide its best to throw things in the trash bin...

Something New

I'm not that desperate for a job, but if i think it's something different and interesting (and nothing illegal), then I'm game. So just the other week, one such oppurtunity presented itself. A boyfriend of a classmate of mine asked me if I would be interested in a dubbing gig. Yup, a dubbing gig, one that required people who know how to speak Bisaya (the more commonly used language in some parts of Visayas and Mindanao). Apparently, the GMA network is losing(daw!) to their rival in those regions and they are exploring ways to remedy that...and that's where they think dubbing some some tv series' and cartoons in Bisaya would help reel more viewers in. Though a friend told me that it's really their poor signal/reception they should be working on.

Needless to say, I was interested and went to Makati for my audition last Wednesday. They let me read a few lines to some well-known actor who guested on an arguably popular saturday night sitcom(hint hint). I got the part but didn't get to start dubbing 'coz there was a conflict with regards to the script from the Cebu translators. So... I went back Thursday evening. This time I travelled alone and was hoping I had remembered the directions correctly...and I got there in one piece naman. The office is at the tenth floor and it's weird coz there are no staircases...the only option was to take the clickety old elevator. The dubbing studion itself is quite small...just about the size of my room with a division in the middle to have two recording boxes. It was completely padded to make it soundproof but the good thing was that it was VERY cold(good thing I brought a jacket). I let the others go first so I could read the script beforehand and so I could see how the more seasoned dubbers went about it. I have to say that I was instantly impressed at how they went about with their work...they actually had to act out themselves while in the booth 'coz "internalizing" helped bring more feeling to their voices. And of course, I was also intimidated and suddenly felt insecure if it was really a good idea to get myself into this, I've never been too fond of hearing my own voice. But eventually, my turn came...and I had fun, really. I know my accent isn't really Bisaya or Tagalog, but I managed...they wouldn't have taken me in if I was so bad. It was quite an experience to have, and though it was my first time, the recorder and the manager treated me professionally and were really quite nice...so were the other dubbers(Though they did tend to talk about showbiz tsismis a lot, hmm, couldn't blame them I guess). They said I did a good job when I was done, but since it was quite late, I askewd if I could sleep over rather than go home at that ungodly hour. It was okay naman daw, the manager said people do it all the time. But befroe getting some shut eye, I went down to the 7-11 on the first floor and grabbed me a bite to eat.

Sitting there alone at 3am... I realized how I've always loved being awake while the whole city sleeps. It brings a sense of profoundness and calm...though at times, also a feeling of loneliness (which through time I have learned to like...yeah, I'm a masochist). I remember that's why I love it when my dad comes to town and I get to stay in the hotel. We'd watch a late movie and on the way home, I have this odd feeling of warmth walking past quiet coffee shops with friends sharing a laugh. Though i do wish that sometimes I'd get to do that more often myself, I am still quite content just being an observer. And when my dad dozes off, I get to stay by the large window, overlooking the city...all lit up but asleep. Sometimes I'd wish I'd brought my journal, or my brushes...but mostly I'm content just staring at everything like a kid walking into a toy shop. Of course, the breakfast buffet at the hotel is a whole other story entirely, hehe.

So I wake up at around six and take a jeep to the nearest MRT station, I head back home to take a shower. Wait. I skipped something. On the Pantranco jeep, I sat next to this girl(don't ask me if she was pretty...coz she was;p) and I asked her how much the fare was. She turned then smiled and said she wasn't sure herself and reached out her payment to the driver. When she got her change, she turned to me again, with that smile again(and I felt myself smiling back too!) and told me how much the fare was...and i thanked her. But i couldv'e swore that we stared at each other (smiling mind you), a several milliseconds than was necessary...I dunno, maybe I really wasn't awake yet. And I'm sure, when you think a moment like that hits you, especially with the guys(maybe girls too?)...you wonder if there was "something" there. And if there was...if you should do "something" about it. Well, in the duration of that short trip...I puzzled if it would have been appropriate to start a conversation with her, and I figured it wouldn't be...so i stayed mum. Hmmm...maybe I should've asked her for her number.

Anyway...

Like I said...I took a shower when I got home and dozed off a while. A "while" meaning I was late for the first class, hehe. But I was glad for the new experience, though next time, I hope I'll be assigned to dub the saturday morning cartoons instead...now that would be reeeeally funny:)

....

Last Monday, in spite of the rain some of my older boardmates (bar reviewees, an eng prof and the manager) decided to have a get-together(aka drinking session). They invited me over and wouldn't take no for an answer, and since I haven't really been social with them, I figured they might make the wrong impressions so I joined them. But I only agreed to a single shot of something with rum and chocolate milk and coffee(?)...and that was it. Though they were persistent that I have more,it was to no avail since I've had experience on my side of saying "no".

So, being a "bonding" session, maraming kwentuhan. And The most talkative one was the board manager whose stories would irritate me secretly...but more on that later. I've never really tried to talk or say hi to them before for the simple reason of me not being able to remember their names. So for the purposes of remembrance, they are Emi, Esme, Mike, Dennis, Nancy, and Ed. I guess they were curious aboutme since I was the "new one", so they asked a lot of questions and made a lot of unoriginal observations. But they were all friendly naman.

Now in the course of the long exchange of stories, some topics/stories didn't sit too well with me. For one, I didn't like how our boardinghouse manager was bragging about how he got some boarders he didn't like evicted out of the house (some being my friends). How he narrated certain events were really just one-sided, and though I'd try to inject a few facts as to how I knew things, he would dismiss them, so I didn't bother later on. Then may isa pa syang kwento that I demanded daw a new and bigger room, and that I wrote a formal letter that unless that happened, I would leave. That was a total lie. And I said that I did no such thing...but he dismissed it once again, but i let it go. Then he also talked about past employess, and apparently, they fired one because she was "stalking" me. She used to be the help and he said that she admittedly waited around everyday to see me go take my bath and head back to the room. And according to him, she was caught several times peeping through my room and according to her testimony, she'd watch me do everything from changing to sleeping. Though hearing this bothered me, it didn't bother me as much as most people would be. (later on, I inspected my room and found it hard to believe that someone could see everything if anything at all). Though those were good grounds of taking her out, it would have been better if he hadn't shared the story at all. The rest then started asking me questions about my so called "love life". As usual, I wouldn't really want to delve into the topic so I'd give some kind of response that closes it. But there goes mr. manager again running his mouth. If I myself didn't want to give information out, what makes him think he has any right to do so? I hate it when people would put some of the women I knew into a box or try to judge them. If this girl visits every now and then, or that one gave plane tickets to this country or that one is an heiress to an oil company somewhere...is really nobody's business. Some people should really learn not to put their noses just anywhere. He was probably just lying through his teeth anyway, just playing the crowd with his stupid stories and opinions. And If some of them were true, I'm pretty sure they were told in confidence...and he told it just out of passing fancy. Then he shifts the topic to his own experiences...about his sexual exploits of a homosexual nature. I get irritated again when he says that if he took me to this bar and that, I could definitely find somebody who'd support me with whatever I need. Is that meant to be a compliment??? The last straw comes when he questions the nature of the relationship with my ex. Like it's any of his business!? And he tells me a story that one time she visited, and nadapa daw or something. Then whenever she visits daw, nagmumura sya sa katulong or something. That is so not her. I really knew he was lying. But I didn't lose my cool...better people have tried to get into my skin and failed. But I can't stand him anymore. I think its time I find a new boardinghouse. On the bright side, I don't think the rest took most of the things he talked about too seriously...If they did, i think I would have taken a more active role.

....

I realize that I still have the tendency to try and defend my ex when I hear bad stuff said about her. I guess that'll never change. But I'd have to admit that as of late, my memory falters, I start questioning...I'm not sure if things were the way I remembered them to be. How I wish I could be with old friends, those that knew her, and that they'd tell me that she was the way I remembered her. Time has a way of making us naturally hate people just because we grew apart...distorting my memory, giving seed to doubt. I want to remember that I was the monster...and not her.

Not that it really matters anyhow.
....

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."
-Mohandas Gandhi


.

5 Seconds to December
by lone_wolf


I would not know how to remember you,
If I loved you or you loved me better.
Sifting you through the clumsy fingers of memory,
I stutter in black ink, scribbling with white spaces.
Amorphous secrets bleed to blur,
Time cannot hold the calm of forgetting in its numbers,
Neither contain the meanings it meanders.

I would not know how to keep you,
You fade brilliantly, slowly into amnesia.
Speak softly, and help me remember why I shouldn't lose this promise.
Hush the fire that sneak slowly in my veins,
Tempt me into your sky, to drift carelessly into your ocean.

Know that when you forget me, I would have already forgotten you.
That if I find you, you would've already written me over in your pages.
But listen to how your hair sleeps on your shoulders,
For every now and then, I still hear how it slept on mine.
Recognize the emptying of cups and coffee shops,
Or the end of rainfall at crowded bus stops,
These are the corners with just but the two of us,
Catching us unaware with their escaping.
Though slowly I find myself breaking, from this little contest I never wanted,
Of you hurting me and me hurting you better.
Though little are the sands that wait for unfinished sympathy,
Make no mistake, that I would find it easily to give up on you,
When you've finally given up on me.

I would not know the weight of words,
Should any remain by the time that you should wake.
You will be leaving soon, then I will be gone.
If I would find myself waiting, and you regretting;
Or in vast moments, should these verses lose their power
I would look upon your photograph with empty longing, wondering,
If I ever knew you, or you knew me better,
I would not know.


.

The BATMAN finally begins...


Finally, two new movies that give justice to excellent comic storylines and characters. I'm of course talking about Frank Miller's SIN CITY and BATMAN Begins which introduces Christian Bale as the new face of Bruce Wayne. Both easily making it to my list of all-time favorite movies, although I'd have to say that the former movie is by far the most faithful rendition of a story from comics to movies...and it just grabs you from beginning to end, kudos to the genuises behind SIN CITY!.

Batman is my second most beloved character of all comicdom, next to you-know-who. I was really happy that the story unfolded quite unhurriedly and displayed a sense of believability to it all... unlike most action movies done today that just go out kicking and screaming from beginning to end( well, that's good too sometimes). And you just have to admire the cool cast of powerful actors, Liam neelson as Ras Al' Gul and Michael Caine (that's his name right?) was just perfect for the role of Alfred. Although I could come up with other actresses that may have been better for the role, Katie Holmes didn't do too bad afterall. And Christian Bale was superb, being able to display the humanness, hesitation and humor of Bruce Wayne...and effortlessly transform into the cold and scary Dark Knight of Gotham... not since Michael Keaton has anyone else achieved this. Gary Oldman was a treat to portray Gordon on his pre-commissioner days, and he got to ride the batmobile, haha! It's amazing how all these actors brought to the screen a presence that the characters they portray display in the comics. And I love the new theme!!! Can't wait for the 2nd installment...

Can't wait...can't wait....

....

Funny Batman quotes!!!
from the stupid zip-pow sitcom waaaaay back then

Catwoman: "If I were to kiss you, would you think I was a bad girl?"
Batman: "Bu...uh...no...No of course not Catwoman."

Batman: "I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you."
Catwoman: "Marry me."
Batman: "Everything except that."

Catwoman: "I could give you more happiness than anyone in the world."
Batman: "How do you propose to do that?"
Catwoman: "By being your partner in life, I mean it's me and you against the world."
Batman: "What about Robin?"

Batman: "Perhaps crimefighting is better left to the men, Batgirl, perhaps not. But this isn't exactly women's work."
Batgirl: "But I'm no ordinary woman, Batman."
Batman: "Agreed."

Robin, about Batgirl: "Do you think she's trying to double-cross us?"
Batman: "No, but she's a woman, Robin, with a woman's inborn desire to outsmart men."

Batman: "What's your name?"
Molly: "Molly."
Batman: "You interest me, strangely."

Batman: "I'm afraid you're under arrest, Madam."
Queenie: "Couldn't we talk it over, handsome?"
Batman: "Poor, deluded child."

Blaze: "No wonder I'm starved, it's after lunch! Oh Batman, would you get me a candy bar please?"
Batman: "Candy? Actually, fresh fruit is much more healthful."

Joker: "Who are you calling?"
Catwoman: "Lucky Pierre. The world's greatest and luckiest criminal attorney. He's never lost a case."
Batman: "Is it a toll call?"

Shame: "Don't make a move Batman, or I'll fill you full a' lead."
Batman: "You can't frighten us with a vague threat, Shame."

Catwoman: "Felix, you can brush my pussy willows before you leave."

Catwoman: "Karate isn't effective unless accompanied by yelling. Let him howl until he sprains a vocal chord. Then get him."

Catwoman: "From now on, pussy willows galore!"

Pussycat: "I wanna be alone with you, Robin."
Robin: "Alone with me? But why?"
Pussycat: "I can see a very important part of your education has been grossly neglected."

Robin: "You can't get away from Batman that easy!"
Batman: "Easily."
Robin: "Easily."
Batman: "Good grammar is essential, Robin."
Robin: "Thank you."
Batman: "You're welcome."

Robin: "Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!"
Batman: "I wasn't scared in the least."
Robin: "Not at all?"
Batman: "Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?"
Robin: "Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!"
Batman: "I like to think it's because our hearts are pure."

Catwoman: "Let noone say that Catwoman is not the best-dressed woman in the world."
Batman: "There are no fashion shows where you're going, Catwoman."
Robin: "And how could a feline feloness like you also be a fashion model?"
Batman: "Ah-ah. Give credit where credit is due, Robin. She may be evil, but she is attractive. You'll know more about that in a couple of years."

Batman: "What took you so long, Batgirl?"
Batgirl: "Rush hour traffic, plus all the lights were against me. And you wouldn't want me to speed, would you?"
Robin: "Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives!"
Batman: "Rules are rules, Robin. But you do have a point."

....

want more? click HERE

The City of Golden Friendship

That's Cagayan de Oro for all you people out there who didn't know(haha, nangaway daw). And that's where I spent the former half of my summer for work. It wasn't all that bad, everything was paid for by the "client"...airfare, accomodations, food and even the materials. Oh, the work I'm talking about here is a painting commission, my very first...hopefully not the last. She (the client)wanted specifically a painting of the view from her mountainside resthouse of the sun setting by the sea of the city. Of course, sunsets being one of my own favorite scenes, I was rather relieved. But for the most part, I was really intimidated by the task simply because she was a rather big art patron and as I've mentioned earlier, I've never really had the experience of selling artworks. But I had to, I could definitely use the money...though that's hardly an incentive, as most psychologists would tell you, money is a not a motivator but a demotivator--> simply meaning, if you know that you are underpaid, then chances are that the quality of your work decreases. But on a normal day, if the boss pays you ooober cash for work, it doesn't necessarily follow that the quality of your work would improve. Anyway...I'm straying from the topic, ehe.

So I start out by first buying the materials and making my own canvas. Then I arrange to have a day of picture taking around the farm/resthouse. It was a very nice place with a very spectacular view indeed...and there were horses! real horses...not the kind that looked like malnourished ponies. And another cool thing was that I actually saw a hawk...it was simply floating...as in floating(hovering) on top of a certain large tree and didn't mind me from the distance. too bad I didn't get a picture of it though...darn!

So I take some pictures of the resthouse, the view and the horses and finally find a nice place to sit and wait for the sunset. It was pretty quiet except for the panting labrador that they had which sat right beside me. It started to drizzle a little later but not before I got to take pictures of the sunset...so pretty much I was done there and headed back to the University of Liceo (that's where I was staying).

The University of Liceo...
This is where my dad basically works, among other things. It's not that big if you're someone from UPD(yabang!hehe)but it's ok. Roughly half of the university grounds though is off limits to the public and students since it's where the private garden, museum and house of the owner(my client) is. The garage is to drool for, having two vintage Jaguars (one of them a convertible I think), a rolls royce(?), two Mercedez Benz cars and a few others...wow! The garden reminds me of a greek garden...only that it's gathered moss through the years. Along the garden path to the museum you pass through 2 large aviarys, one containing a parrot and the other a rather large eagle who's species escape me...but it's colored white and gray. There's a greenhouse of sorts and a large gazebo overlooking the nearby river. It's really quite a place. Then theres the museum, and my dads room is in there so that means thats where I'll be staying too while I'm here. It seems a bit eerie outside the room with all the old paintings and faded photographs and relics hanging around so I stay inside the room most of the time painting and watching the tube.

And so...

So I paint and paint and paint. I'm just suppose to do one but I try to make three at the same time by different intervals to keep the interest going and to prevent myself from getting too frustrated with one particular painting. I end up finishing two sunsets and one watercolor painting of a horse(I'm rather proud of this one). But I'm such a dim-bulb that I forgot to take commemorative photos of the paintings before giving them to the client. Bummer.

....

All in all, summer wasn't bad at all though I didn't get to go the beach at all. Got to spend a lot of time with Dad and found out a lot about him...like... he wanted to be a writer. Ha! finally, he kinda admitted to have some kind of frustration, hehe. But he told me of the stories he wrote, and I'd have to say...they weren't bad at all. Huh, who knew? I also got to catch up with my real journal... some thoughts are really just best left private y'know. I just hated the fact that in the span of just two months, I had taken 5 flights altogether...brrrr.

....

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
-James A. Baldwin

Finally, my favorite Sergio "the Latin Snake" Mora wins The Contender competition and is the one man who did not get to hang his gloves on the graveyard wall. I have got to say that this series got me hooked (even the replays!) and thank God it ran over summer break or I wouldn't have been able to watch it. Though I had my doubts of him being able to make it to the finals since he wasn't much of a hard-hitter, but he is one heck of a smart and lucid boxer, proving there's more to the sport of boxing than just brawn...and he looked like he could use the money; and like the Sly said, "He deserves every penny of it".

....

My dad tells me that that there is no room in this world for philosophy and romanticism. He tells me this over lunch, giving me a pep talk of sorts... something to do with me still being a dinosaur in college. Of course he means that I'm too much of a philsopher and a romantic...I will not contest the former, not too sure about the latter though. He goes on to tell me that way back when he was still in college, he never got the chance to choose what course he wanted to take, but in the end he still ended up pretty successful. He concluded that "love for what you do" is overrated and one can do without it. So how can I argue against that? I don't. But it doesn't mean I'm convinced...not by a long shot. So I'll just keep mum...I knew this kind of talk would come sooner or later, I guess time will tell what "truths" are in store for me.

And while I'm on the subject of parents, I've found out that mine bring out the worst in each other. My moms pretty ok when she's on her own and since I've been spending most of the summer with my dad, I can say that he's also in pretty much in a light mood without my mom around. So what is it that makes them tick? I have no idea. Could it be financial problems they always seem to argue about? (it might pay to marry a hot rich mama to get past this problem, hehe) I dunno. Or could it be that a promise of forever made 30 years ago is never really meant to last "forever"? I don't know. But thinking more about it scares me...maybe I am a romantic afterall.

....

I try to soak up as much rays as I can when I can, from tv that is. Summer is about to end in basically a week and it's back to the busy city life of quezon city once again for me...bummer. I'm not really that excited to go back and I figure this would be the most uneventful(pertaining to sicial life, hehe) schoolyear for many reasons. But that's not what really bogs me down, it's the environment. I've been there over six years but somehow the general feel of the place still seems so cold and people seem so artificial (mostly). I love my trips hope, save for the fact that I have to be on an airplane to do so, because it somehows brings a sense of calm to me I cannot seem to find anywhere else. Sometimes I think I remember who I am and I get to breath alittle easier and think a little less darker, But when I get back... it's like there's this different person. Of course, this are things people will never really see or notice...but I know people go through changes and are never really the same all the time, everytime, anytime. I'm babbling again...

....

"Hell is other people" -read this sign at the gate of a juvenile hall, hehe

BAGUIO TRIP!!!(under construction)
The Badminton Club are off off to the land of Reyness to kick off Summer...

Remembering UP FAIR WEEK 2005
last February

My first night at the Fair...

I decide to go solo on my first night on the fair. I wasn't really going for the bands, not too many of my favorites were playing that night. But the UP fair has turned into some kind of tradition for me... a happy one, most of the time. There's always something memorable that happens at this time every year. So I do the usual, taking my rounds on the grounds looking for new things and old things, for a booth with good henna tattoo designs,for stuff to eat and some freebies to take home. Though I'm already a dinosaur, I still manage to bump into some familiar faces. Now I have been more of a loner all my life and probably always will be, and I think most people know this. It just bugs me that people always go, "O, mag-isa ka lang?" or "Wala ka bang Kasama?" with matching na-weirdohan look. Some of you guys already know that I've always been like that, so save me the remarks and silly questions as if you guys hadn't the faintest idea of my personality. But then again, maybe I really just am weird.

Anyway, while I'm walking around, my cell phone suddenly rings. It's Ron (my younger brother), and he tells me that I should make sure that I'm free on October 22. I ask why it's so important, then he breaks the news...my eldest brother is getting married!! Haha, that's great news, and about time! Apparently, he proposed just yesterday (Valentine's Day). Wow, one of my brothers is finally getting married, I wonder how my parents took the news. I feel weirdly happy. Weird only because I'm not really sure why I feel happy about the news. So there's this skip in my step and a silly grin on my face as I walk around the fair, probably looking even sillier than usual. I finally settle down a little while later with a double meat Chibox listening to the bands. Some are quite good I realize, but I figured I still had some stuff to do and couldn't really wait for Rivermaya to play. So I head home happy that night, with occasional weird thoughts coming into my head. One of my brothers is finally settling down... i wonder if I'll ever find anyone...I sigh and grin at the thought. Naaaah, It's better if I get some shut eye rather than go down that road again, hehe.


The Reunion...

It's a wednesday and my second night on the fair. I'm meeting up with some of my good buddies from the old boarding house. I'm the first one on the scene but not long after, I meet up with Jay-es. We circle the grounds and notice that there aren't that many people around yet, probably still a bit too early for "fair" standards. Anyway, Jay-es gives me a run down of what's been up with people lately and we exchange a few stories. Then she tells me we have to go back to their boarding house to fetch the others, so we take a cab to KNL. Sure enough, all the pips are there but no one seems to be going but just me and Jay-es...then Kaygee comes along (all the way from Fatima I think). She says she just needs a minute to change. And when she gets back...I get worried(all of us were actually)...coz she's wearing this rather short skirt. Sure, her legs are one of her assets but we were going to the UP Fair and not some bar in Libis. We would be sitting on the grounds, riding tricycles back and forth and other stuff. I find nothing wrong with one who wants to celebrate her physical youth but...uhm...I just think people(especially girls) should be more careful about it. I was not too fond of the idea that I may have to ward off some guys or be on the look out for weirdos who may be giving her the "weird" eye all throughout the night(and there were some that night indeed). Reminds me of the one time that she got me worried too when she commuted by bus on her own late at night wearing a rather short pair of shorts once again. And it's a bit funny coz I'm not sure if she realizes that she gets a few heads turning here and there...like I said, she's gotta be careful.

Anyway, we head back to the fair, we talk mostly about what we've all been up to lately, then we (both of them mostly) stop around a lot of stands to see if there's something interesting to buy. Thankfully, we don't get into any of the rides...but we did hang around the rock climbing thingy place. And just as we were talking and reminiscing about the colorful characters of our old boarding house, we see good ol' ralphioso! I greet him with sneak attack on the back of the knee, and he's surprised to see us too, hehe. It doesn't take a lot of convincing before he decides to tag along with us, and we once again circle the grounds. We stop by some karaoke machines. Yes, I've done this with them before, but in the past fairs we were inside tents...away from the prying eyes of people. But this time around, there were no tents, walls or divisions...it was out in the open. But that didn't stop us...so we started singing, hopefully no one else I knew passed by at that time. But I didn't do too bad, scored a 99(my highest so far) singing With or Without You, haha. Daanin lang kasi yan sa sigaw ;p

Can I just say that I fell in love with MYMP that night. They did a couple of remakes and boy did it sound good...had a lot of soul and emotion to it. But later on, the four of us decide we want to talk somewhere else less public coz... ehem ehem...namimiss na namin ang isa't isa, hehe. So we head back to KNL to the girls boarding house. So there we continue most of our chitchat. Ralph has a new girlfriend, and one of the girls have love problems of her own...hmm, don't we all? So she posted this question as a sum of her problem, "How do you get a guy to give it to you straight?". Well, she has a thing for this guy who seems to have a thing for her...you know, the thin line between friendship and love thing. The guy hasn't been clear on what his intentions are has been quite vague about it daw. So we all gave our suggestions as to what would be the best course of action she could take...and wished her all the best, hehe. My suggestion was to engage the guy in a serious talk that would involve a "play of words" so that she would discover what the guy was up to and at the same time not have to fess up that she likes him. Easier said than done...but psych major naman to...so kayang kaya...dapat, hehe. Attraction has a way of messing up the networks in our brain.

Later on, after much conversation, we decide it's time to head home but as Ralph and I reach Philcoa, we decide to accompany Kaygee all the way to her boarding house near Fatima coz we were seriously worried about her (given the time of day and her choice of an outfit,ehe). When we get there, she invites us up to her floor to have a look-see and we eventually hang out in the hallway. We have a good view of the city, and it seems so peaceful. Instead of heading home, we continue our conversation on things...this time with a little more seriousness in our tones. It's not easy for me to talk about the REAL things about me especially when it concerns the past and relationships...so I don't talk about them much. But that night (or early morning rather), I got to talk about it naturally and I got to say what I wanted to say. I guess it was more than just the moment...they were/are the closest friends I have in college, I guess it's easier for me to talk to them about this stuff though I don't really see them that often. We got to clear out a lot of misconceptions and false ideas about each others situations, and some revealations made us breath a little easier. I give them a light laugh when they tell me that they've been expecting me to have already found someone new some time ago... I think they'll have to wait a little longer for that kind of news, hehe. My time is a little bit slower than everyone else's I guess.


The BEST UP Fair night of the week! Kitchie Nadal, Moonstar 88...

(for some reason, after writing the details of the past two nights I was in the Fair, my memory of this night has somewhat fizzled out...so i think I'll just edit this someday if I remember whatever It is I forgot to put down)

It's a thursday and the UP Fair has the best line-up of bands of the week for this night as far as I'm concerned. And I'm going out with the badminton group(Sheila, Noelle, Gem and Marielle) save for the absent members Ralph and Joy(once again). We meet up at ilang before we head to the grounds. We circled the grounds several times, tried out a few games of balloons and darts, did some rifle shooting and shot some baskets (Gem was a lucky at her first time, haha:P ) and a whole other stuff just to get that fair feel coz it was a first time experience for some in the group. Later on, we end up at the videoke machines...ehehe...and we do end up singing save for Gem (kj!). Moonstar 88 is playing on stage and only marielle and I are interested so we leave them for a while at the videoke machines. I've heard it all the time at the Fair year in and year out...but the song Torete never grows old with me, it's a definite classic!:) I'm not sure if I have faulty memory but I think session road also came to perform and I really like their song Suntok sa Buwan. When the gang has finally regrouped, we hear that Kitchie Nadal will be performing soon and we look for a decent spot. It was all good...save for the fact that in front of us were some kids high on drugs and body bumping to her songs. Some people say that Kitchie talks funny when she's not singing...well I don't really care,hehe:) After that, some people start heading home...making it clear that the star they were expecting to hear had just finished performing.

We leave the fair and decide to have some coffee at Starbucks...I think we all head home around 2am. Anyone please fell free to correct me of my recollection of this evening...its a little fuzzy on my head, hehe.

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"Did you know that a bumble bee, according to the theory of Aerodyanamics...with its size, mass and wingspan, has impossible chances of flight. But with its ignorance of these scientific facts and armed only with its determination, a bumble bee does fly...and makes a little honey too. " -(not an exact quote) from the movie, The Calcium Kid

Be Cool

This movie's got me singing, "I was Cryyyyiiing when I met you! Now I'm Dieeeeeeing just to see you oooh, your love is swEeEt...miseeeriheee...". I really enjoyed this movie, it was funny, hip and as the title implies, cool! And the Rock was in it!!! He was actually playing a gay bodyguard, haha...like I said, darn funny. I watched the movie with Flo, Mike, Eki, Laiza and Goya at SM North. I was suppose to have lunch with them too and watch The Pacifier before this one but I got held up in school for some class requirement. Anyways, I caught up with them at around 2:30. After the movie, we walked around the mall a bit coz it was still a tad bit too early for dinner. We met up with Miko for a while since the mall was on his way home. We were suppose to be on our way to Baywalk at around 7, but that didn't quite happen. So we ended up waiting in one of the al fresco coffee shops in front of SM. It was quite late, but we were on our way to Baywalk (manila bay)eventually soooome time after.

It was my first time to be in this part of Manila. Lots of bands were playing along the walk and there were a couple of mimes too. Lots of foreigners around too, I never knew they went for this kind of ambiance. Of course we went looking for a place to eat first, unfortunately, the one we chose had a band that couldn't sell beans for a living with their voices! They murdalized a few dozen songs!! ooh boy. okay, okay...I may be exagerrating, they weren't that bad. But they definitely didn't sound good singing together (coz they were a trio). After dinner, we traversed the Baywalk, looking for some sights to see and things to do. We were on our way home around 1 in the morning...and we had some kind of a road trip. We actually lost our way a couple of times, almost had near accidents acouple of times, but it was all good...since we all eventually got to go home in one piece. It was a great day all in all, not to mention the fact I finished rather large artwork that day too!:)

The Return of Saturday Badminton

After the badminton courts where we usually play closed down a couple of weeks ago, we haven't been playing in our usual Saturday fashion. But yesterday, after ralph found a new place just a week back, things got back to normal again. The new place isn't bad, I just miss the old dressing rooms from the old place for some reason. And boy did I kick ass yesterday! I didn't lose a single game, bwahahahaha:D

We then had lunch at Terriyaki Boy, and went to Starbucks Katipunan after, that's where we caught up with absentee members Marielle and Joy. I'm so excited about our trip sometime mid-April...absolutely can't wait! It's gonna be sooo much fun, I gotta be careful though and not overspend in the next few days coz I want to have a lot of shopping money when that date arrives, hehe...shopping and pigging out of course:)

We parted ways around 5 I think, but I left my ugly butt around Katipunan coz I wanted to rent some vcd's. There's this sitcom I'm currently addicted to. Spent the rest of the day watching 6 episodes straight...man, I miss tv.

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"We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe."

-Johann von Goethe

Things are quiet in UP, being Holy week and all. Things are going well since I'm finally in the process of throwing up all the junk that's been filling up my room for the past few years. I'm a bit slow at it though. You know how it is, throwing out stuff is never that easy, especially if some of them reminds you of one thing or another. Some people might not see me as the sentimental type, but I am. I keep so many useless things that clutter up space. Say for example, a bunch of tickets to concerts, events and plays I've gone to, old notebooks with scribblings and drawings I did because I wasn't paying attention in class, even some fancy hotel paper or freebie from somewhere from some days/nights I'd want to remember. And I can't help reminiscing when I sift through old letters and pictures. I'm sure you guys know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm still not done and I realized I was hungry at around 9pm earlier. All the shops around UP were already closed and there were no jeepneys either. The campus actually looked like a ghost town. But I was hungry, so I had no choice but to walk. So I did just that...all the way to Katipunan. Still, things were pretty much quiet, and the only shops that were open were Shakey's and McDonalds. And I run into rowelle of all people, he was wearing something pambahay. So he tells me he's actually been living around Katipunan for about a month, we chitchat for a while in the middle of the street (there were no cars anyway), then part ways.

Days like these,you can't help but just think about things. It's not like you have a choice in the matter. But some thoughts are best kept to yourself I guess. Happy Easter to everyone anyway.

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"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him."
-Voltaire

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It ends tonight...

I've always wanted to say something like that, hehe. Well, I'm just talking about my stay as an officer in the club known as UNESCO UPD. After 4 consecutive semesters of being the Internals head (acting head on the 1st sem), I think it's time to throw in the towel. It's probably time to look for other things to cause this ol' canucklehead(feeling!:P) some undue stress...preferably the kind of stress that pays, haha. I guess the org can use some new bloods too, I feel spent up. To be quite honest, I've felt like exploding at times, to go off in one of my moods...something some friends of mine would call "the vibe". Something I must be congratulated for, hehe, I've never really held off my vibe for this long...but it does take a lot of conscious effort. But the vibe in actuality is still one of the kinder manifestations of my angst, so people are lucky if thats all they get. But dang it's hard to keep cool these days... and even the little things seem to get on my nerves now. Little things like people asking me why I didn't run, if I still can't take a spot in the execom...and lines like "don't you owe it to the org to..." and stuff like that. I owe the org squat! And frankly, I don't think anyone has the right to ask me to give anything more to this club...save maybe for one other individual. But most times, I just manage to twist my eyebrows a bit and say "I'm tired" as a reply. I do this because I realize they wouldn't really know any better, I tend to keep things to myself afterall(arguably...for very good reasons).

But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss any of it. The past two years were made very memorable for me because of the people I met and the friends i gained. And in some ways, it saved me from the hole I was in, gave me some things to do and less of the "other" things to think about. But like i said, you gotta know when to leave when it's time to.

....

I won't be going home for the Holy Week, so this would be a first for me to spend it alone. Hmm, after this...maybe I should try experiencing Christmas alone...the one occassion I still haven't tried being on my own, haha. I'm kidding of course. or am I? Anyways, I'll look for some stuff to do, and since I'm a little short on dough...some soul searching spend free activities may be in order, hahahaha. Ooooh boy...it's gonna be a long summer.

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"They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. If I learn to accept that pain is part of life, I will be better able to endure the difficult times and then move on, leaving the pain behind me." -from Courage to Change

Finally! I'm gonna have a sister...

Well, my mom's not pregnant okay? But I am gonna have a sister, by law that is. Coz my eldsest bro is finally gonna get married!!! He proposed last February 14, and I heard the news a day after while I was at the UP fair. I have to admit that upon hearing the news, I had a silly smile on my face and I was genuinely happy...beats me why. I must have seemed sillier than my usual self coz I was all alone in the Fair with that stupid grin on my face, hehe. Maybe, we just get naturally excited about events that you know change the lives of your loved ones- family in particular. Hmmm, and if they get...ehem..."busy", then my parents would finally be grandparents(something I know my dad has been wishing for for a long time, haha), and that would make me an uncle! cool! hehe:) Okay okay...i'm getting ahead of myself...they aren't a married couple yet, so I guess I'll just have to worry about the wedding details and stuff...ehe.

I'd say my mom took it well, and she was happy too. But then she started getting all inquisitive about the love lives of her other sons, haha. So in true hard-to-please-biased-to-her-sons-mother-type peptalk, she told me these stuff over the cellphone(sorry sa mga hindi Bisaya):

...Oi dondi ha, when the time comes na naa na moy mga girlfriend, tarunga ug pagpili ha. Kanang kaila nimo ilang background, the family, blood type, kanang wala'y mga sakit. Ayaw gyud ug pili ug mga diabetic...kay asus! Ayaw gyud anang mga masakitun kay mudako ra inyong gastos sa pamilya. Look at me and your papa, purya buyag, healthy mi. Ayaw sad nang mga tambok, kay mamroblema sad mo, dali mo magkasakit ug delikado and heart. Nya kani silang tanan, pwede ipasa sa mga anak, so ayaw gyud intawn ha! Nya pili sad mo ug nga gwapa kay mga gwapo raba intawn mo. Kaswerte nila noh, makuha nila akong mga babies. Ayaw nang mga dali matiguwang ang mga nawng, kanang mga sum-ol, kay mapul-an na ka dayon maski di pa mo tiguwang. ayaw gyud anang...(blah blah blah, haha)

....

Just earlier, on my way here from the UP Grail GA, I was about to take the long route by the sunken garden. But when I passed by the AS parking lot, I saw a bunch of cartolinas spread on the ground along the way. When I stopped to see what it was all about, I couldn't help but feel sad. It was an effort of a foreigner dad to help his son who is being held captive by a gang in Cubao. His 10 year old son, according to the written text, poorly scribbled but readable, was raped and is being kept as a victim of white slavery. He was selling all his belongings just so he could have a chance to save his son. In the other cartolinas, he posted pictures and articles and other information regarding the "rugby boys" gang. I was so moved by the list he came up with about the rights that should be afforded to his family and the things that were done to his family. From those I remember...

paraphrased
1. the right for children to be protected against rape and the sex trade.

2. the right of a foreign father to protect his Filipino child...

3. The right to protect ones family and home...

4. his kid was molested, raped ad threatened to be killed if he told anyone...

5. they were driven out of their own house and were beat up...

6. His(the kid) captors are making money from having the kid raped by high paying clients (white slavery)

...It's just a very despicable thing to hear about things like this. If its all true, then its really sad. Coz, he's pleading out in the open for someone to help his son, that these things are really happening and are actually going on as of the moment. And people just pass him by. How futile and sad it must be. Makes me wonder where the good guys are, where are the cops? Why is it so hard to help? What can be done? Why is nothing being done? And I ask myself...what can I do? probably nothing. I feel bad about not caring enough to find out if it's true. And even if I would find out, I doubt I'd really try to help. And what does that make me? A hypocrite. A philosopher without a backbone. So I walk away genuinely sad for his plight, yet totally ashamed of the fact that I am not too different aferall from all the others who walked that same pavement..and just kept on walking.

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sorry, but i won't be ending with a quote this time.

Good days are few...

Yesterday felt like a Friday(my favorite day), though it started out normally enough. I woke up at 8am, skipped breakfast again (for the 4th consecutive day), and went off to class. Didn't do much but hung out really since the professors were in a more talkative mood. Weirdly enough, I'm starting to warm up to professors, having casual conversations with them and such; something I've never done or really had in my arkitorture days. Another good thing is that one of my professors is gonna hire me for a certain job, the nature of which I won't elaborate yet, so that I won't jinx it. Hopefully, by the time summer ends, I would have been able to raise enough money to buy that SLR Camera. And if there's a little extra, then maybe I'll get a digital camera as well. But then again, the plans I set have a way of getting awry. nah, gotta stay positive.

As class ends, I decide to kill time in my boarding house only to find out that there's a bit of renovating going on. Finally, the caretaker has decided to properly cement the area in front of my room. Which means goodbye slippery floors and hello potential painting/workshop/workout area, hehe. Of course, I'm still left with the problem of traversing open space just to take a bath or just to go to the toilet(God help me when it rains).

I head off to the AS lobby by 4:30pm to meet Flo and Miko. We're suppose to go out and have some kind of "bonding" session, which initially struck me as something suspicious since I am not the type most people would think of for a bonding session type of thing. So we head off to the most popular and readily accessible mall from our campus and decide to initially have coffee, since it was too early for dinner. The mood was light, funny and relaxed, and it occasionally shifted to more serious matters like one's faith and personal views on stuff. Don't worry, I won't be talking about that stuff just yet, well at least not now. I know that just mentioning the word "God" has a sometimes adverse reaction on some people. And probably, especially if it comes from me. I've lately come to realize that some people, if not most, mistake me for an agnostic or an aetheist...and I had never been either. I guess I really just never talk about it unless it's brought up. But nonetheless, I'm quite grateful that as of present, I have found company that I can comfortably share my views on that matter. Moreso, that I have found something I've been terribly missing for quite some time now.

We continue our conversation over dinner at Jumbo Japs. And there they tell me that they did actually have some ulterior motive for asking me out yesterday. I honestly didn't know how to react to their revealations, but they really weren't bad revealations anyway. I just didn't know what to say. I just hope that if I have been doing a good thing...then hopefully, I can keep it up.

Flo heads home by 9pm while Miko and I decide we're still in the mood to watch a late night movie. We end up watching Constantine , which was a good movie for me. I especially like how the director handled the angle of most of the shots. Speaking of movies, I hope I find the time to watch the Akiro Kurasawa movies that will be featured in the UP Film Center up until Monday next week. Anyway, we part ways by 11:30pm but somehow I'm not quite ready to hit the hay just yet so I head to my favorite internet shop over at Philcoa. I think I deserve a day of indulgence after the past few stressful days.

....

I think it's sad how some people just end up contradicting themselves all the time. Despite all the eloquence that may be afforded in their speech, and all the drama to be found in their words that are meant to appeal to the hearts of masses, they mar themselves with their own inconsistencies no matter how blatant or subtle it may seem. How difficult it must be to not see the lies we weave upon ourselves in ourselves. How hard it must be to see things for what they truly are. How sad it must be, to mistake pride for strength, denial for growth, and truth for dung. I have always found silence as the most humane approach to most things, to not point out
things people may not have the courage to perceive themselves. And what is there to say really? When people will always be the greatest arguments they have to themselves. My time of anger has ebbed, replaced only with pity. But that too, like the emotion that came before it, is a waste of time.

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"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." -Steven Wright (some comedian)
....

PS:
Finally, Ive found the poem in the movie Before Sunrise.
It doesn't have a title, so here it goes...

Daydream delusion
Limousine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet cakes and MILKSHAKES
I am a delusion angel
I am a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Launched in life
Like branches in the river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I'll carry you. You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me
Don't you know me by now

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