I feel weird. I guess I'm just not used to myself not being the insufferable walking depressant that I am. I'm probably still depressed in some way and most definitely still insufferable to some people but I'm really not used to seeing myself with this smile on my face. I dunno,...I guess I'm just really happy or just relieved and probably not really used to either of it.

....

I wrote that first paragraph a week ago...i kinda lost the thought but it'll eventually come back to me. But I take back thinking that I'm really happy. I realize that there will always be certain things about me that I just can't change. No matter how well I hide it, i'll always be a serious guy deep down. I'll always think about how I messed things up. It doesn't really bother me that I'm not getting any better at anything...it's just that I feel like I'm getting worse day by day.

It's weird that I tend to open up more to complete strangers than to friends. Sometimes, when I open up to people i know, I have a slight feeling of regret...and I don't really know why. I guess I have issues with trust. And probably issues with how I see other people's opinions about things. In some way, I see conversation with strangers quite soothing. I guess it's in the knowledge that they don't know anything about you so there's hardly any basis for bias(so I don't get the feeling that they're just saying things they feel they have to say as a friend). And in the same way, you don't know anything about them for you to put bias into their opinions. And it's also cool the way you can just bring up anything and talk about everything...which in some ways would relatively make you feel vulnerable had the conversation been with a casual friend or the sort.

I used to have something up my wall that went, "Who you really are is when nobody is watching". I tend to agree with this more than with the saying, "We are the persons we become when we are around other people"(<-not an exact quote), which seems to be quite contradictory to the former. Yes, our reactions define us, but who can say the reactions we show are the real ones? There are masks we wear to hide ourselves...and there are masks we wear to reveal ourselves. Huh, I'm not making any sense again as usual. Have to take a break for a while and get my thoughts together...

D I S T A N C E

I have seen her forever from a distance
Not too far, but far enough
No two points have ever been farther
For this expanse surpasses all metric measure
She is the immediate presence
That signifies the essential absence in my life
I can never get too close
But I can never quite get enough of her
Not from sight nor from thought
This void between us
That engulfs everything
My hopes, my dreams, my fears
These few inches that separate
Mean nothing
Not the minutes nor the hours nor the days
Not the crowds nor the miles nor the seas
For I am bound to her
If not in sight, then always in thought
She is everything that engulfs me
My life, my time, my space
Though the moments I share with her are measured by the meters
She's still the best thing that's never happened to me
Nothing stands between us
But only my eyes have the courage to approach her



.

Time flies by so fast. I'm only twenty two but I feel like so many things have changed already. Though I've played out my life on the relatively "safe" side, I've had my share of excitement and disappointment which is still mostly a closed book. I dunno, i just have this habit of keeping some things to myself, probably thinking that if I shared any of them, I would somehow belittle that experience. That way, maybe the feelings of that particular moment would always be there, as strong as it was when it really happened...always just a thought away. or maybe i just don't trust too many people or maybe i've decided that they're too uninteresting to talk about anyway, haha. Oh boy, I'm rambling again.

But like I said, a lot of things have changed. Even the changes of changes have changed. Just a week ago I got wind of the news that one of the closest friends I have/had in college got pregnant...had a miscarriage and then the boyfriend broke up with her. She didn't really tell it to us, but she really hasn't been telling us anything lately too though. I feel sad that if it was true, she decided to keep it secret from us. She may have been ashamed or probably didn't trust us or whatever but... I dunno...she shouldn't have gone through that alone. (ha! i should talk)

My 'ex' still tries to get some wind as to whatever's new in my life. I guess she still worries about me...we were afterall...for a time...the best of friends. But I haven't really been returning any of her messages, nor have I been trying to keep in touch. But she kinda dropped a line in her latest message that implied she's about to get married. Another sign as too how fast time flies. I'm happy for her...she deserves her happiness...a lot of it. I wish her the best.

Change, change, change...so many changes in life...most of it are not the way I want them. But then again, life isn't about what we want...it's more about what we do, what we say, what we think. I miss myself when I didn't hate myself so much. Hmmm...I'm ranting in the wrong place so I'll just hold that thought.

.....

There's nothing really extraordinary about my day most of the time, but lately...the part where "guys" hit on me have become more...frequent. Man! what am i doing wrong? This kinda attention...and they're all from guys... not even just one girl...kakainis naman. What did I do to deserve this torment. Just these past two days, i've had them block my path, efforts to make eye contact,...joining me while i eat, and approach me asking silly questions from their cars. Sheesh...secretly I picture banging each of their heads on a hard concrete wall. I'm sorry, but this is starting to get reeeally irritating.

anyway...

I've been thinking about the many things I miss. I miss the times when I would just find myself in the back of school, at the soccer field. Sometimes I'd play with a bunch of other kids(long time ago)...or just be with myself. Sometimes I'd stare into the grass and always find some peace in the way the wind makes waves of the taller grass. I was alone then, but never really lonely. Back then, I was still optimistic about life. That somehow we all have our purpose in this life. I believed that I could change the world...all those stupid ideas, just from looking at blades of grass. But it's different now. I don't think any of us can change the world, i'll just have to try not letting the world change me...but even for that...I'm not so sure anymore.

Okay, okay...I'm not making less and less sense by the minute. Might as well end it here. Till next time...

School's started for over a week now but we still haven't been doing anything much since only one professor has showed up for class. So as usual, I've been spending a lot of my free time in front of monitor screens and walking around malls...same old same old. Hmmm, but I really should remember not to stay up too late in internet shops anymore...it might get me into trouble,haha. Just got hit on by around 3 gay dudes (scary looking not so obvious that they're gay type) the other day on my way home at two am. I ignored them for the most part and but i have to admit siuations like these bother me. I'm not really afraid of them, just afraid of the possible situation I might find myself in...and that would mean having to deal with it in a not so pretty way. I'm a peace loving ceature, haha.

I've finally got a new phone...well, actually...my old phone...which still works like it was brand new. But a cellphone is a cellphone. But of all the bad luck in the world, I can't seem to find my charger for it. At least a good friend of mine will lend me one till I get to buy a new one,hehe.

I've realized that this coming week, i'll be sort of catching up with some old friends. Friends who I've lost in touch with over some time, but I don't think we really drifted apart so to speak. We just don't get to see or talk as much as before, that's all. Friends like that are rare I guess, not too many people can be find themselves on the same note as where they left off when they meet again after a long time. I guess I'm lucky with friends in that way.

There's a mouse that visits my room every now and then. It doesn't seem to be afraid of my presence...and I just can't bring myself to kill it. But one time, I decided to put fly paper on the floor just to say I made an effort to get rid of it. I was kinda relieved the next morning to find out that there was no mouse stuck...except for one lizard. Tough luck for him/her...couldn't get it free even if I wanted to. I'm a nature lover...can't help feeling sorry for these critters (except cats! i hate street cats!)

I hate anonymous callers...there are about 4 stupid landline numbers calling me every other day...all probably from one person. But the fellow is persisitent...it's been over a couple of weeks now. But persistence would hardly have any efect on me...I'm the master of ignoring things (which isn't really always a good thing), haha.

Hmmm, I'm having the hungries right now but I can't make up my mind on what to eat...tooo many goodies to choose from. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to buy and eat them all! It's not like I ever get fat, hehe. TTFN!

unfinished...(draft 4.2)


i hate this feeling of ineloquence
seeing you not seeing me
you turn my utter confusion
into a feeling of pure delight,
as shades of gray turn to white
piece by piece
you take the whole
yours to break, yours to ignore
like a thief, you come uninvited
to make ripples in the pond
slowly the ice starts to melt
but tides rush in only to recede
then this insanity will begin to end
only to start over again
time and time again