North Wind

In many ways, I am not home, and quite possibly... never will be. Not here anyway. Or maybe that's just me trying to put my expectations of the future as stone etchings in my mind. Not a good idea, I know. But then again, I tend to be right...especially on the points I don't want to be right on.

I wonder how long I can keep fighting myself and the world at the same time. I wonder how long I would have to stay in this realm of devious politeness. I wonder if there is some place I can finally go to. Somewehere to rest my head. I am tired...and I haven't even tried to live yet. For all the vaunted control and pursuit of honesty, I still fail to fight for what is precious to me, what is true, for me. Why does this truth need this world's permission? Or why do i think it does?

Maybe...

Whatever it is I think I have to do, I don't. Whatever it is I think I have to be, maybe it's time to let go of that. Maybe I can stop going to those places where nobody knows me, those places where I can't be known. Maybe I don't have to be a stranger all the time. Maybe it is time, maybe it's a chance, and for once, I might have to stop thinking if I deserve it at all.

Goodbye would be easy, if only it wasn't so final. Being strong enough to do things alone isn't as great as it's cracked up to be. And thinking you can do things alone is actually as stupid as you suspect it is.

I look around at all the broken things. And despite that, there's still so much breaking that could happen. I want to have the power to stop it. I want to make it different. I wonder if I can when I don't know how. I wonder if there will ever be an end to this quiet insanity.

But...

there she is. Hope still sits there. Waiting. I don't deserve her. But why does she wait?
But, without her, I dont have a chance. Without her, I am already gone. Hope...

thank you.

....

I remember what I wrote, those many years ago. I only wish I can remember if I meant it.

Like the sun, you dawned on me.
Bringing back color into this artist's heart,
you will always be that star,
in the night that is my life.

....

"A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice."- Bill Cosby