Sitting by the Window...
having dinner alone in a restaurant can sometimes be a good thing

I realize I can't relate to movies where the son has a hard time dealing with the fact that his parents can't see him play his favorite sport or watch his big theater performance or do whatever his thing is. Nope, I'm not much for having an audience...well, a familiar audience to be exact. Somehow, I'm more comfortable being better competitively at what I do around people I don't know or don't know that well. I think.

When I was younger, I was in this tennis tournament for our school. I was all psyched up about it, not expecting my dad to stay after he'd drop me off. But he did, although I told him that he probably had better things to do(hoping that would he would understand that he didn't have to watch). But he did stay, and see the opposition mop me all over the sandy court. Thing is, I could have beat the guy. I could have played better. I was better. But my dad was watching, and somehow, I fumbled throughout the game.

I wasn't too happy about it after the game. I wanted to blame my dad, but I kept it to myself. I would have to admit that it is pretty weird to not want someone you know cheer you on. Strangely enough, my dad said nothing about me losing that game on that day.

....

I like observing people. Most of the time I end up making stories and theories about them. Usually I do it with strangers, sometimes with friends who don't know I'm watching... and I'm always watching, haha. (ok, maybe that sounded a little bit scary)

It's raining out, and the reflection of halogen lamps on the road seem to have an effect on me. I see people hurry about. Correction, I see people by their lonesome hurry about. I notice, that those with companions(not neccesarily couples) tend to walk slower in the rain...or anywhere else for that matter. I figured it must be that they have to share umbrellas. Then I see that that wasn't true either. For I see two friends who seem to continue a conversation as they walk together despite the fact that they've only got paper to cover their heads. Hmmm, I wonder what that means.

Tonight, I saw a couple...of the romantic kind. Sometimes I wonder if they really love each other. If they'd stay long together. If he's with her coz it feels like she's the first one to make him feel that way. And if that is so, I wonder if she knows that there isn't another guy in the world who sees her the way he does. I wonder that if it's real, if they somehow realize how rare that happens. Sometimes I wonder at the miracle and the absurdity of the idea that two people can mean so much to each other.

Then I saw this girl. Wow. She was pretty. I know that most of the time the usual hormonal reaction that a guy would have is, "What a hot bod!" or something like that. But sometimes, just sometimes...especially nowdays, you get to look at a beautiful woman as if you were looking at a sunset. And you have no idea what a relief that is when that happens...

Yeah, yeah...so I'm turning to a sap, so what? :P

Oh well, I'm too lazy to write down the rest of my thoughts anyhow.

....

"Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world."
-Arthur Schopenhauer

One side of a conversation
lost = not knowing exactly who we are

I dont believe people really get lost.

I think people just get into unfamiliar territory, fear grips them at first...which either immobilizes them from action, makes them deny the situation, or face it head on. And when you conquer the unfamiliar situation positively...you come out knowing something more about yourself.

Like i said...people dont really get lost. they just get a chance to find themselves more if they just knew how to pick a fight...so to speak.

At some point...maybe we dont know anything about anyone...but it shouldnt stop us from trying.

Improbability isnt the point, but effort is. The choice to be someone to somebody, to know and be known.

if...

you have complete trust that you know who you are...
if you have that, you'll see that peoples "false" impressions of you would be quite forgivable.

hmm...i'll share something...

I can relate in the sense of being lost. The sense of being lost, in your words is not knowing who you are. For a time I did struggle with that, but only because i tried so hard to look at myself in a way that was "acceptable" to me. I somehow had this idea that who I was was some nice guy or something of the sort. I didnt want to come to terms with certain revelations, certain weaknesses. the moment i embraced all of myself...even the undesirables, i breathed a little easier...

I learned to be easier on myself and weirdly enough, it was the first step for me to be the self i wanted to be. I dont think we will ever be the selves we want to be completely in this lifetime. But if we dont come to terms first with everything that we really are...then we really havent got a chance.

I mean as a doctor...

You first have to diagnose the ailment, before you can even speak of a treatment.

....

I did the unthinkable!!!

Well...not really unthinkable, just lame. I flirted with someone online, haha:) My life must be so boring...oh well, some people are prone to worse, or so I hope, haha.

....

"Only the truly wise or the truly stupid never change"
-Aristotle

It was at the end of the day that didn't even begin that I decided to sit around the sunken garden for a while on my way home. There wasn't anything in particular to think about, but everything just seemed to slow down at that moment and I decided it was a good idea to take a breather. I was enjoying the late afternoon wind and I thought it was beautiful how the leaves started to fall from the acacia trees...a forgivable moment of letting the aspects of creation get to you.

Then a leaf brushed my arm and landed on my lap.

As I picked it up, I realized it was a dead thing. All the things that I found beautiful at that moment were things that had just died. And I thought of how humanly naive it was for me to think it was a beautiful thing, of how human it was for me to not really see things for what they were.

Just before I thought too much of the falling dead before me, I think I heard a whisper, "It's how I meant it to be."

The way You meant it to be? Your design? So I thought about it. Was there something a dead leaf in my hand could teach me about God?

Apparently, there was.

I imagine, for most of it's life, the leaf must have gone largely unnnoticed. Blending perfectly into the green background with all it's buddies. There is a lot of fear in life to lose one's identity amongst the faces of a multitude, yet it probably didn't mind. It knew where it belonged and that accomplishing its design meant acknowledging those that were in its likeness.

I imagine that for most of it's life, the leaf must have gone largely unnappreciated. It didn't stop to look for thank you's, or leave time to regret over things. It only knew that the sun and rain kept it growing, so it decided to keep on living.

Ever so humble, it's lived every second of its life always filled with purpose. And even in the end, it would leave the world in such a way that would give a sense of beauty and peace to a sinners heart.

....

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
-CS Lewis