One Less

It was in the summer, after my 3rd year of high school that Manang Pabing told me she was afraid of dying. It was 5 in the morning as I was getting ready with my packed lunch for CAT training. Thinking about it now, I can remember just how much sadness and fear there was in her voice. She said it like it was something that escaped her thoughts unintentionally. Like it was some kind information she didn't know what to do with. Like it was a secret she had to share, and she chose to share it with me. I kinda laughed and said she'd be okay, not thinking much of her confession. I left for school and she didn't say anything more.

In our house, we were raised to be respectful to the people(just 2 actually) who served our household. In fact, we even considered them to be part of the family. And for my part, I was rather close to them, and probably was the closest to them than any of my other siblings. And I guess that sort of thing happens when both parents have work If you've seen The Nanny and Mr. Belvedere, then that's basically the picture.

I heard, over the course of my CAT training that Manang Pabing went to the hospital for a check-up, and 2 weeks later, on Bivouac night, my two eldest brothers come visit the camp to tell me she had passed away.

I felt my insides shutdown. My brain no longer cared to process much of anything after that. 2 weeks. She was fine. No one knew anything was wrong. Nobody told me that when she went to the hospital, it was serious. Why didn't anyone tell me? Wait. She knew. She told me. 2 weeks before anyone had a guess. Before any of the doctors found out what was wrong, before the family had a clue, before the hospital, she knew she was dying. And she was afraid. And she told me. And I brushed her off.

After the weekend training, I was able to see her just before they took her out of Cebu. It looked like she was just sleeping. But I knew that she was gone. It was weird that at that moment, I realized there wasn't anyone in the house I could scare with rubber snakes and spiders anymore. Or maybe it's because it was one of those few moments that really made her laugh afterwards.

I would have wanted to say goodbye properly. I wanted so much to thank her properly. I've often wondered how one person can devote so much of themselves to a family that was not their own, but understanding was not a requirement for my gratitude. But more than anything, I would have wanted another chance to be there for her. She was afraid, and I was being callous. I would have wanted the chance to tell her, that humble as her life was, she was important to me. That she was appreciated. That she was family to me. That I will miss her.

I'm sorry I never got to tell you all those things. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry. You are missed.

....

"I shall tell you a great secret my friend. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day." -Albert Camus