ALL IN THE PAST...or not

"I don't know how long I can go on like this. Everyday I wake up not knowing why I have to get out of bed. And every night, I don't wanna sleep, coz if I do...It'll start all over again."

Yeah, you'd think by the way I wrote that I was the living dead or something. But I was, in a way. I sit down as I read on from the old scrap of paper I found lying inside a dusty old box. It doesn't take long for me to remember how things were a few years ago. I lie down and stare at the ceiling, I wonder, if things are really any different now.

I guess things aren't the same. I guess I am better off where I am now. But sometimes I still can't shake off the feeling that I'm still on that downward spiral. Or that the way to recovery is all too fragile. Or is it just I'm being my pessimistic self again? In the movie Before Sunset, it is theorized that people have certain unchangable basic personas, and on a lighter note that we are made of "beautiful specific details". I'm not so sure but I think I agree that we are made unique specific details...not necessarily beautiful. I guess I'm just naturally pessimistic/sarcastic, if not always obvious, I assure you it is usually true in secret. Even when my life was all hunkydorydoo(i think that means A-ok)...I was always on the lookout for bad days or at least looked at things a little too seriously. Most people might think that's a bad thing. Probably...but I would disagree. I'd rather not expound as of the moment...and I really don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I was starting to rant off.

Anyway, I guess I'm simply feeling guilty that I don't really make the best out of the second (or third, fourth, fifth, etc) chances I get. Nowadays I'm just really good at moping around in my private time...especially when I don't really have to. I guess old habits die hard.

Sometimes I feel fake when I'm out and I joke around too much...or when I catch myself smiling when I'm around other people. I guess that's why I don't like being around people that much. Could that be it? Or do i hate myself for the fact that i have to be fake in front of other people? And why do I feel so fake in the first place?

I wouldn't really know.

....

"You know what, I feel safe when your around", she'll say as she'd squeeze my arm. I manage a lazy smile and my first instinct is to quip a sarcastic remark, but only because I've never really learned how to handle remarks like that one.

For one, I don't see what "safety" there is that I could offer. And I don't know what that "safety" really means. But I've never really mustered enough to ask further about it, and I think it is always wise to leave it as it is and to speak nothing more of it. And if that already gets me uncomfortable, I won't even start with the squeezed arm. I dunno why I get so uptight with these things or why I'm so distant/detached/devoid of basic human emotion/interaction/social sense. Well, maybe I do know why. But sometimes I wish I wasn't always like this. But only sometimes.

Another friend of mine told me recently, "I think your one of the few real friends I have. Like if and when things get really bad, I think you'll still be there." (not an exact quote) I manage a light shrug as I remain quiet.

Okay, right off the gun, there is the possibility that the person said this just as a line for purposes of emotional leverage. Don't hate me for thinking that...it's just the way my mind works. But still, it is a possibility.

Anyway...

Similar to the point I made earlier (if I made any point or sense at all earlier that is), I just don't know how to react when people throw you things like that. To some degree, it is quite flattering. But seriously, I've never been too anxious with people's expectations that I'll be hanging around for the long haul. It just leaves so much room for disappointment. As some if not most of my old friends could attest, I'm not really there for them all the time...though I try to be. But trying is not enough. Never is. And I am puzzled as to what could lead people to that impression of me...I've always thought I was distant...the irony of it.

I'm not bothered when I don't get out to do most of the "fun" stuff people usually do. I'm hardly the life of the party (any party). I've grown content with the fact that I'm the guy friends run to when the party's over. I'm always at home at the morose discussions, the little tragedies of life, or even just plain company for non-events. I'm quite content being tissue paper so to speak. But if I look at it in honest perspective, I really don't offer much. Just words you could hear like a broken record at an oprah rerun. Nothing new. Nothing special. Just words. And it's not like I even practice what I preach(which makes me a hypocrite). So forgive me if I doubt my ability to be a real friend.

Sometimes I even wish that the person didn't really mean it. I just don't want people to expect anything from me.

....

"the truth you find, will be the truth you hide."-from the song How do you love, by Soul Asylum.