Gesthemane

I dunno, I couldn't think of a better title. Took the shot near the infamous UP Lagoon...it's around 6 am. Used a cooling filter effect from photoshop to spiff it up but the colors of the original photo are much better in my opinion...but my scanner didn't do it justice so I had to improvise.

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It's songs like Collide by Howie Day that make me want to fall in love again, or at least learn to play my guitar (which has been gathering dust) since I'm pretty sure the latter wouldn't involve as much pain as the former (I think I hear my nextdooor neighbor disagree), haha. It's not a topic I'm too fond of in most social circles, but it is a thought that pervades me in my private moments, there's hardly any escape from it. And I know that you guys know that I'm not talking about "playing the guitar", because it's a thought that pervades your thoughts as well. (that statement would only be true for 95% of the human populace the last time I checked)

I mean seriously, I was four years old when I decided I'd fall in love and marry the most beautiful woman in the world. It seemed like it was the most natural course my life could take. As if it was written somewhere that it's what has to happen. To deviate from it would be impossible. I took the future as a fact of life, and that's pretty much how I thought of everything else that came with it...finishing college(oops, a few problems there), getting the dream job, exploring the world(or other worlds), and being a superhero(hey, i was FOUR). Point is, I believed there were good things waiting for me. I guess that was what all the fuss about getting to grow up fast was about when we were kids. Being a grown-up meant we could live that future, that dream. It was an exciting thought, until as most of us might attest, realized that in having to grow up we had to say goodbye to our four-year olds...and all that implies.

I'm turning twenty four this year, still considerably young for a homosapien. Though I wonder if I still expect anything to happen in "that" department. There are days I think nay. I'm not saying it's a closed book, just not optimistic about it. There are days that I realize, "Hey, I've been doing relatively okay the past couple of years by myself...", which makes me think I'll still be okay by myself in all the years to come. But then there are moments of such blissful experiences and moments of such utter pain that I see my solitary heart unable to contain it. It is in our highest and lowest points in life that loneliness overwhelms us the strongest. Some joys and sorrows are meant to be shared, and in that department, I willingly concede that I am lacking. Though I have been blessed with friends, both old and true, I still can't shake off the feeling that something is missing. Something more than just any friendship. Someone. I don't know if she will be the most beautiful woman in the world, I just know I am incomplete in this world without her.

For now, I will struggle with my "solitude". Loneliness is just a wolf that dwells within me. And like all other wolves that dwell within us, they only grow if we feed them. But among the wolves, I'm glad to find the boy...he's still four years old, and he still believes.

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"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone." -Octavio Paz