Backseat Philosopher

Right now, I'm thinking about the neighbor who knows how to play the violin. I'm wishing I knew how too. But since I don't, I'll just have to hang by the balcony to listen, where the wifi connection is best(we steall it from the neighbors, shhhh); and as far are as recording the crazy tunes that come to my head every now and then goes, I'll just have to keep my recorder handy.

The only thing as good (or bad) as silence to let your thoughts roam wild is music. It just gets in there, messes with your head and lets it run around screaming, just figuratively of course. Although a literal response would possibly be more entertaining. And I dunno, there's still something about hearing a song over the radio that beats hearing it out of your mp3 player or ipod. Is it because the universe seems to talk to us at that moment, that by some chance a "good" song is playing? Or is it because on radio, the experience is more fleeting and beyond our control that we have no choice but to enjoy it while it's there? Or is it that somewhat rare occurance that one goes, "Oh, I've forgotten about this song, it was one of my favorites."? Who knows really?

Now I'm thinking about the jeep beside our car. I remember how once, near the back entry of the public vehicle I spied a pair of great legs, and as I viewed up towards the face I realized it was her. If there was any inkling to her that I was staring at her legs rather impolitely, it didn't show since she just waved and flashed that smile of hers. Sigh. I can only imagine now what kind of silly expression I must have had on my face at that moment.

Then I shift my eyes to the stars, and I remember my step-grand dad, who was a war veteran. Always wanted to share his stories, and in his old age, it seemed like it was all that he could think about. There was a sadness to his eyes sometimes that made me understand somehow how crazy wars must really be. Anyway, I remember him with the stars because he told us that he was the chef on the ship that picked up the 3 astronauts(from the moon expedition with the armstrong guy) when they crashed/landed into the ocean from space. It was his food that they first got to eat on their return from space, my step-grand dad would brag. I heard, on his deathbed he was shouting the words, at some imaginary(or unseen) things, "Get away from me you Devil!" He had died scared.

As the car hits a speed bump I remember one time as I went out biking that a group of dogs started to get hostile. Our dog, a German Shepard, came to the rescue, and though she was outnumbered, she still managed to draw their attention, giving me a chance to get a stick and make a quick exit. After a short scuffle between the dogs, she managed to make a strategic retreat and we headed back home.

I wonder if someday I'll ever be lucky enough to find someone to share my nothing memories. Stuff that might not really amount to anything but are really worth more than anything. The little things. Small things. The very specific minute details that compose our specific realities. Endless things.

And surprisingly, my thoughts end with a weak smile...but a smile nonetheless.

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"Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

the Unfinished

taken from LOCKING ARMS by Stu Weber

...two soldiers became particularly close. Day after day, night after night, terror after terror, they talked of life, of families, of hope, of what they would when (and if) they returned from this horror.

On one frutiless charge, "Jim" fell, severely wounded. His friend "Bill," made it back to the relative safety of the trenches. Meanwhile Jim lay suffering beneath the night flares. Between the trenches. Alone.

The shelling continued. The danger was at its peak. Between the trenches was no place to be. Still, Bill wished to reach his friend, to comfort him, to offer what encouragement only friends can offer. The officer in charge refused to let Bill leave the trench. It was simply too dangerous. As he turned his back, however, Bill went over the top. Ignoring the smell of cordite in the air, the concussion of incoming rounds, and the pounding in his chest, Bill made it to Jim.

Sometime later he managed to get Jim back to the safety of the trenches. Too late. His friends was gone. The somewhat self-righteous officer, seeing Jim's body, cynically asked Bill if it had been "worth the risk." Bill's response was without hesitation.

"Yes, sir, it was," he said. "My friend's last words made it more than worth it. He looked up to me and said, 'I knew you'd come.'"

....

Once, a good friend caught me off guard by saying out of the blue, "Kuya, kaya mo siguro gusto si Batman kasi kahit ganyan ka, nagagawa mo pa ring maging Bruce Wayne." Didn't quite know what he meant by that, but I guess anything that links me to the Bat can't be too bad. I think.

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Growin up as kids, we had vitamin C supplements in lemon and lime flavor (yumyum!). We weren't allowed to take more than one a day. One time, I particularly remember announcing, "With God as my witness, I only took one from the bottle!" Then when no one was looking, I took 2 (or 3) and gobbled 'em up like candy.

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Sigh. I've been here before. It doesn't get any easier. Maybe it's not suppose to. So long yet so slow. Maybe there's a lesson here somewhere...something I haven't learned. And till I get it right, there will always be this.

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"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." -Winston Churchill

Two things I've realized as of late...

Love problems. Everyone's got 'em in one form or another. And for the past few months, people have been telling me theirs. Don't ask me why everyone turns to the neighborhood cynic for advice...but I do try to listen as best I could, and I guess that's mostly what they need. (And every now and then a good kick in the butt to get them to their senses...aaah, with friends like me, who needs enemies?haha).

Anyhow, as the title implies, the two things I've realized were a by-product of these late night sob story sharing sessions...or whatever it is you want to call them. Actually, I've come to several realizations, but not all of them I can talk about here. Go figure.

I'm not a big fan of long distance relationships. I just don't think they work out. It all boils down to three 3 issues(well at least what comes to mind right now): trust, communication, and distance(time and geography). The first two are just too hard to come by these days and even if you had both, if you're too far for too long, it just dies(although I am surprised to find out that there is a small part in me that objects). But thinking about it, I realized I am in one. And it doesn't become more "long distance" than this. I realize, i have been faithful (i guess...to a point). If not to a person, then at least to the idea of that person. In the realm of decisions on relationships, from love to lust to loneliness and all the things in between, I keep "her" in mind. If one can keep faithful in a situation of waiting and uncertainty, how hard can it be to be faithful when it is finally there? I'm guessing it would be a cinch.

As for the other realization...

Well, we all know how hard it is to say those 3 letter words. Yeah, those words. Yeah. hard. But, I think (think lang naman)there's one other thing harder to say. "He/she loves me." Yeah. I realized, that's one thing a lot of people find much harder to say, considering if they intend to say it seriously. And when they do, people who hear it probably go "Talaga?". If they don't say it, they at least think it. And to a certain degree, people are probably generally unsure if they are really loved or if they even deserve it. And something I observe is that people who do say these things with some level of conviction risk recieving the judgment of being overly presumptuous. Ha! and people say I'm cynical. But then again, maybe there is some reason to the doubt. People aren't readers of the mind or the heart. And I guess, the spoken word over time has been taking a beating when it comes to sincerity. Anyway, to those who know what it is to be loved...look me up, I need to hear new (happier) stories. I need to hear em badly.

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"Lying is done with words and also with silence."- Adrienne Rich