Secret Garden

Sometimes, hanging out by the sunken garden, I realize that I have been tamed. By who or what, I'm not so sure. There used to be days when I could think up a thousands ways to spend a beautiful afternoon, and here I am just looking at the inviting green expanse before me as if it were just some living room picture. Soon I'd have to get back home, get back to the quiet routines of life. Why? Well, quite frankly I've stopped asking that question.

It's not really a lack of inspiration. I used to think it was. But I realize, before the things around us seem to change, there is first a change in how we see the things around us. All change that is regrettable and significant, begins as always, from the inside. The sad thing is that it usually begins unnoticed. And yeah, sure, we all have reasons for this change. But I don't want to think about those now. Everyone's got one. I have many. Probably even very legitimate ones. But regardless, the quarrel is never won despite such skillful and trained arguments from the mind to make sense of a life not lived and love/s unventured. There are just some things our souls will never understand. Surrender being one of them. Acceptance is not necessarily the same as contentment, without the latter it is simply denial. But why we are better at denial than at courage, one can only guess.

I breath in the wind that tries to soothe me, as she tells me she will always be here despite my faults. Maybe someday, I will return and just as the green grass has its seasons, so will my life. I try to breathe in much more than just the wind for that moment- the way the sun's rays peek from the clouds, the kids laughter as they play on the grass, the satisfying thud the ball makes with a good kick, of memories and people who may not even know that I keep them with me. I breath it in and never exhale. This small thing I will keep, this little piece of peace, my secret garden. For now, this will do.

Yes, life is beautiful. Yet here I am, afraid to see it, for I am filled with so much hesitation.

....

"If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Film School



Well so far New York, London, Seattle and Vancouver look tempting. But then again, tempting might not be the word to use, because temptation would imply an accessible sin depending on choice. And that's just not the case. I need to shelf out a quarter million just for a semester! oooh boy. If I had that much money in the first place, well...I'd teach myself film, hehe...with money to spare to see the world and back...with a hot date! haha...or not.

*sigh

I really want to go to film school, or at least get to shoot films. It's what I enjoyed doing most for the past 3 years here in college. Actually, it's not something I want to be cast in stone. It's just that I don't really know what to expect after I graduate. Not that I'm anxious about it, and planning ahead isn't really my style, but somehow I feel like there's something about life I should be really sure about by now.

Oh well, I really should be just worrying about thesis right now...:)

....

Ever caught yourself in a moment where you find someone changing right before your eyes? The time when things change then people change, and you find yourself in that moment.

You want to tell them something. But there are no words for it. No wisdom to warrant it. No courage to enable it. Something’s going away, drifting apart, with or without your goodbye.

They’re still there. Sometimes they’re right there just in front of you. But you miss them already.

I’ve had one too many of those moments. And when you have too many of those moments, it makes you think of not so nice thoughts about this life, or of this world for that matter.

....

"There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking."-Alfred Korzybski

JULY, 5 YEARS AGO

It was a Saturday, and I was caught by the sound of beautiful music from a violin. I traced it to the chapel to find out there was a wedding, a simple one, yet oddly it seemed more romantic to me. Just a few people, probably just the relatives and the closest of friends, and of course the priest and the solo violinist. The music was really nice and it tugged at my insides. It's been a while since I've been in a church. I realize that I miss God so much and that I really need Him in my messed up life. I wondered how and why we have to go through so much garbage in this life. I consider myself a rather simple man. The simplest things could make me happy. So many thoughts passed through my head...of love, of loss, of failure, of need, and of absence...it drove me to tears...good thing there weren't too many people on my side of the chapel.

I also got to think of weddings and of true love. It must feel great to truly find someone to be with. Someone to believe in, someone meant for you and vice versa. On my wedding day...(to much sap that it would be a crime to continue:p)

....



"However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts."

-Henry David Thoreau