Good days are few...

Yesterday felt like a Friday(my favorite day), though it started out normally enough. I woke up at 8am, skipped breakfast again (for the 4th consecutive day), and went off to class. Didn't do much but hung out really since the professors were in a more talkative mood. Weirdly enough, I'm starting to warm up to professors, having casual conversations with them and such; something I've never done or really had in my arkitorture days. Another good thing is that one of my professors is gonna hire me for a certain job, the nature of which I won't elaborate yet, so that I won't jinx it. Hopefully, by the time summer ends, I would have been able to raise enough money to buy that SLR Camera. And if there's a little extra, then maybe I'll get a digital camera as well. But then again, the plans I set have a way of getting awry. nah, gotta stay positive.

As class ends, I decide to kill time in my boarding house only to find out that there's a bit of renovating going on. Finally, the caretaker has decided to properly cement the area in front of my room. Which means goodbye slippery floors and hello potential painting/workshop/workout area, hehe. Of course, I'm still left with the problem of traversing open space just to take a bath or just to go to the toilet(God help me when it rains).

I head off to the AS lobby by 4:30pm to meet Flo and Miko. We're suppose to go out and have some kind of "bonding" session, which initially struck me as something suspicious since I am not the type most people would think of for a bonding session type of thing. So we head off to the most popular and readily accessible mall from our campus and decide to initially have coffee, since it was too early for dinner. The mood was light, funny and relaxed, and it occasionally shifted to more serious matters like one's faith and personal views on stuff. Don't worry, I won't be talking about that stuff just yet, well at least not now. I know that just mentioning the word "God" has a sometimes adverse reaction on some people. And probably, especially if it comes from me. I've lately come to realize that some people, if not most, mistake me for an agnostic or an aetheist...and I had never been either. I guess I really just never talk about it unless it's brought up. But nonetheless, I'm quite grateful that as of present, I have found company that I can comfortably share my views on that matter. Moreso, that I have found something I've been terribly missing for quite some time now.

We continue our conversation over dinner at Jumbo Japs. And there they tell me that they did actually have some ulterior motive for asking me out yesterday. I honestly didn't know how to react to their revealations, but they really weren't bad revealations anyway. I just didn't know what to say. I just hope that if I have been doing a good thing...then hopefully, I can keep it up.

Flo heads home by 9pm while Miko and I decide we're still in the mood to watch a late night movie. We end up watching Constantine , which was a good movie for me. I especially like how the director handled the angle of most of the shots. Speaking of movies, I hope I find the time to watch the Akiro Kurasawa movies that will be featured in the UP Film Center up until Monday next week. Anyway, we part ways by 11:30pm but somehow I'm not quite ready to hit the hay just yet so I head to my favorite internet shop over at Philcoa. I think I deserve a day of indulgence after the past few stressful days.

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I think it's sad how some people just end up contradicting themselves all the time. Despite all the eloquence that may be afforded in their speech, and all the drama to be found in their words that are meant to appeal to the hearts of masses, they mar themselves with their own inconsistencies no matter how blatant or subtle it may seem. How difficult it must be to not see the lies we weave upon ourselves in ourselves. How hard it must be to see things for what they truly are. How sad it must be, to mistake pride for strength, denial for growth, and truth for dung. I have always found silence as the most humane approach to most things, to not point out
things people may not have the courage to perceive themselves. And what is there to say really? When people will always be the greatest arguments they have to themselves. My time of anger has ebbed, replaced only with pity. But that too, like the emotion that came before it, is a waste of time.

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"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." -Steven Wright (some comedian)
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PS:
Finally, Ive found the poem in the movie Before Sunrise.
It doesn't have a title, so here it goes...

Daydream delusion
Limousine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet cakes and MILKSHAKES
I am a delusion angel
I am a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Launched in life
Like branches in the river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I'll carry you. You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me
Don't you know me by now

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WAITING AFTER SUNSET
by lone_wolf

My thoughts of you are painted by

the glow of the moon.

In the quiet embrace of sunless hours,

I find no refuge from one who gives warmth

to places where even sunlight cannot touch.

Your name kisses my lips,

as I uncover your absence with my fingers.

Slowly, I unravel to nakedness,

with only soft wet feet across my cheek to bare witness.

Quietly, I sing myself a lullaby,

of songs I vaguely remember, of music I can never make.

You burn brightly than any other dead star,

against the purple grays that ravage this fragile psyche.

I drift aimlessly, my thoughts gravitating towards you,

my eyes caressed by your haunting.

If this sheen of moonlight must linger to remind me

Of a promise that may never return,

Then let this darkness take me whole,

For only when I sleep, can I stop dreaming of you.

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Still thinking about the past...
edited journal entries from the not so distant past...

Entry time: 11:58 PM 3/28/2004

I remember a time when i was quite the straight arrow. I had everything in my life going smoothly and was at the top of my game. I never had any problems with my academics, I excelled in sports, was active in various organizations, much accomplished in art competitions and I got along well with everyone. I didn't(and still don't i think) have any vices or bad habits i had to get rid of. No problems in the household either and we were enjoying life as a middle-class family. I guess you could say I had it made. But the funny thing is, in those days, I was so uptight...so formal, I couldn't help it...I guess that's just the way i was and still am. I had no insecurities except for the fact that I considered myself ultimately boring. Not the medals, nor the skills and none of the stature could change that. In some way, to me, people with flaws and problems are more interesting since there is a conflict in their lives that they have to resolve. It's more challenging and more real that way. I considered myself too...likeable, for lack of a better term...too nice...too boring. Nothing about me to figure out or to worry of(but the funny thing is some of them thought I was mysterious...well like the saying goes, "the secret behind every mystery is that there is no mystery at all".). But nowadays, I realize I've finally had my wish... that my life be a bit more problematic. My parents tend to talk of separating every now and then. My academic record has enough red in it to look like a valentines card. I'm in a course I realize I'm not happy in anymore...practically wasted 5 years of my life. I'm dealing with the ghosts and 'demons' of my first failed relationship and the frustrations of loves that could have been. Depression has seeped in and the sky seems a lot less blue. Sometimes, my friendship with some people seems to be plagued as well...so I tend to rather keep my distance most of the time. Sure, I'm still the insufferable boring, uptight schmuck that I was... but now I'm a boring schmuck with very serious problems. I can't even remember the point where I let things spiral out of control or when I stopped caring. I feel like a zombie at times. I realize it was a mistake to wish for something like this. The only thing "real" about me nowadays is that I ain't. What some of my friends would call..."there but not there". Ironically, now that I have less things to be happy about, I try find the time to smile and try to take things less seriously. A couple mistakes didn't kill me...but i have to be careful, coz if i don't try to change the direction I'm headed I just might find the number of mistakes it takes that will.

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ENTRY DATE: 5/23/2004

"You're underestimating us"

These were the first words my father spoke to me over the phone yesterday as I could hear my mom telling him that all I was planning to eat all weekend was de lata since I'm lately a little short on dough. With his voice, I could almost see him smiling over the phone which in turn caused all my worries, angst and emotional hang-ups accumulated for God knows how long just dissipate into thin air.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, probably the truest testament there is to Real love...and I'm lucky enough to have it with my family. They said they'll stand by whatever I decide and even if it would have to come to the point that I would even stop school...they said they wouldn't care and that I have already done them proud. (Don't worry, I do plan to finish school!hehe) It was the first time I was seeing them in this light...and for the longest time, I always thought they demanded perfection from me...I guess I was too hard on them. If I hadn't been too afraid to begin with, I may have saved myself a couple of years of school and a lot of pain. But, they're there and nothings gonna change that. And being loved no matter what mistakes you've done is a very powerful feeling and realization.

I should have trusted them more. And now I know...

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"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
-Count Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist

Let there be light...

and there was light! After months of darkness, I've finally decided to kick my butt into really buying that new flourescent lamp. Sure it was fun while it lasted, the dark ambience and the life forms it encouraged to flourish had to end some time.
And just in time for the Chinese new year too, Kung Hei Fat Choi!!!:)

It's been a pretty busy yet successful day for me. I woke up at 6am so I could get to the MRT station before the rush hour. When I got there...I realized I should've gotten up at 4am instead. The place was packed like a sardine can! And I admit, I was still a bit drowsy since I kinda slept late (was at ilang-ilang's tsaa, tsokolate at...etc thanks to argeme, which was fun!), but thanks to the cramped situation of the train, I didn't have to put up much of an effort to stand up. Anyway, it was my first time to go shopping (sorta) in Baclaran with Ralph as the ever trustworthy friend. Headed back to school at around 11:00 but I didn't make it to class...so I went to the afternoon session instead; which was a good thing, coz I bumped into another friend (clue: a fellow blogger), pareho lang pala kami ng Geology 1 professor, hehe.

After class, I had a strong urge to watch a movie alone, just like the good 'ol days. So I went to SM, and watched Assault on Precinct 13, which wasn't a bad choice to make. And I did a little bit of shopping after. I was on my way out to withdraw some cash for a jacket that had my name on it when I passed by a music shop. And I was suddenly reminded of one of my new year's resolutions, and guess what. I ended up buying a guitar instead! haha. Yeah, yeah...people may be inclined to think that I don't have a musical bone in my body but...but...it's a free country! so there! haha, the path to superrockstardom is never easy, but just you people wait and see. Who am I kidding? I hope my boardmates have a good investment in earplugs...:)

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whaaaa... friensdter is pink!? why is my account pink!? oooh I get it... it's for valentines...


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"It's tough to stay single in this world where everybody expects you to be with somebody. But staying single is not about having no choice, but rather, it's an oppurtunity to make intellegent choices" -text message from a friend