WAITING AFTER SUNSET
by lone_wolf

My thoughts of you are painted by

the glow of the moon.

In the quiet embrace of sunless hours,

I find no refuge from one who gives warmth

to places where even sunlight cannot touch.

Your name kisses my lips,

as I uncover your absence with my fingers.

Slowly, I unravel to nakedness,

with only soft wet feet across my cheek to bare witness.

Quietly, I sing myself a lullaby,

of songs I vaguely remember, of music I can never make.

You burn brightly than any other dead star,

against the purple grays that ravage this fragile psyche.

I drift aimlessly, my thoughts gravitating towards you,

my eyes caressed by your haunting.

If this sheen of moonlight must linger to remind me

Of a promise that may never return,

Then let this darkness take me whole,

For only when I sleep, can I stop dreaming of you.

....

Still thinking about the past...
edited journal entries from the not so distant past...

Entry time: 11:58 PM 3/28/2004

I remember a time when i was quite the straight arrow. I had everything in my life going smoothly and was at the top of my game. I never had any problems with my academics, I excelled in sports, was active in various organizations, much accomplished in art competitions and I got along well with everyone. I didn't(and still don't i think) have any vices or bad habits i had to get rid of. No problems in the household either and we were enjoying life as a middle-class family. I guess you could say I had it made. But the funny thing is, in those days, I was so uptight...so formal, I couldn't help it...I guess that's just the way i was and still am. I had no insecurities except for the fact that I considered myself ultimately boring. Not the medals, nor the skills and none of the stature could change that. In some way, to me, people with flaws and problems are more interesting since there is a conflict in their lives that they have to resolve. It's more challenging and more real that way. I considered myself too...likeable, for lack of a better term...too nice...too boring. Nothing about me to figure out or to worry of(but the funny thing is some of them thought I was mysterious...well like the saying goes, "the secret behind every mystery is that there is no mystery at all".). But nowadays, I realize I've finally had my wish... that my life be a bit more problematic. My parents tend to talk of separating every now and then. My academic record has enough red in it to look like a valentines card. I'm in a course I realize I'm not happy in anymore...practically wasted 5 years of my life. I'm dealing with the ghosts and 'demons' of my first failed relationship and the frustrations of loves that could have been. Depression has seeped in and the sky seems a lot less blue. Sometimes, my friendship with some people seems to be plagued as well...so I tend to rather keep my distance most of the time. Sure, I'm still the insufferable boring, uptight schmuck that I was... but now I'm a boring schmuck with very serious problems. I can't even remember the point where I let things spiral out of control or when I stopped caring. I feel like a zombie at times. I realize it was a mistake to wish for something like this. The only thing "real" about me nowadays is that I ain't. What some of my friends would call..."there but not there". Ironically, now that I have less things to be happy about, I try find the time to smile and try to take things less seriously. A couple mistakes didn't kill me...but i have to be careful, coz if i don't try to change the direction I'm headed I just might find the number of mistakes it takes that will.

....

ENTRY DATE: 5/23/2004

"You're underestimating us"

These were the first words my father spoke to me over the phone yesterday as I could hear my mom telling him that all I was planning to eat all weekend was de lata since I'm lately a little short on dough. With his voice, I could almost see him smiling over the phone which in turn caused all my worries, angst and emotional hang-ups accumulated for God knows how long just dissipate into thin air.

Forgiveness is a powerful thing, probably the truest testament there is to Real love...and I'm lucky enough to have it with my family. They said they'll stand by whatever I decide and even if it would have to come to the point that I would even stop school...they said they wouldn't care and that I have already done them proud. (Don't worry, I do plan to finish school!hehe) It was the first time I was seeing them in this light...and for the longest time, I always thought they demanded perfection from me...I guess I was too hard on them. If I hadn't been too afraid to begin with, I may have saved myself a couple of years of school and a lot of pain. But, they're there and nothings gonna change that. And being loved no matter what mistakes you've done is a very powerful feeling and realization.

I should have trusted them more. And now I know...

....

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
-Count Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist