Doubting the Map

I thought I would be more free. But I feel I am not. It might be poor judgement to let feelings be the meter of progress but I am just human.

I encountered a story where a former jock eventually grew up to be angry at his father for making him feel like he was better and more "special" than everyone else. To him, it would have been better to have not been fed the notion of his supposed superiority, then maybe he would have coped better with a world that does actually give any hand outs.

It is a hard place to put your identity with God. It just seems so abstract. Church folk do not help with their words so much, sometimes it is all just semantics and empty recycled babble-forgive me for thinking so. I feel like one standing on Sand though I know I am on the Rock of Jesus. I just wished I wasn't so convoluted and complicated these days- looking here, going there, seeing this, thinking that.

But I still have hope I should remember. "I may not be where I want to be but at least I'm not where I used to be."

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“Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.” -Erik Erikson

Superior Pursuits

One cannot find all the answers to all the questions in a lifetime. God after all is infinite, we cannot contain Him as much as we try. But there's a joy and adventure to that, I can have a question now and go out find the answers. And as soon as that's done, rest assured there will be more questions to ask.

It's always something new, something bigger- that's what growth is. Looking for God is growth. To surrender to a life of sin (apart from God) is not quite as fulfilling. The spectrum of discoveries are repetitive and often times dulling. What's more is that to get to the 'high' you want, you need larger doses of that thing further on just to get the same effect. It's a downward defeating spiral and not at all the freedom it claims to be.

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“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns.” -Tara Brach

A Dream Absent of Dawn

I wish the night is eternal; where sight has no power to go
beyond nearby stars. Here thought is free, held captive only
by the romance of moonlight and the sea's gentle breathing.
But here the secrets are ours and truths are clearer than day.
Here, i love you purely. Here, i love you best.

I wish my words could come before they go. Sadness visits me
whenever you're gone. My desire dying like an ember in the snow.
Listen, please listen my love- my heart is breaking just as yours is broken.
You look at me with your smile absent from your lips, and I am torn to pieces.
I remember your laugh, your softness, and your eyes (they see me no longer);
such a great affliction cannot be surpassed by any other.

My hands fear to tread where my words can no longer reach.
Easily you dismiss me, like I was a lie- like I am not enough.
I am not enough. I am lacking, weightless in your chest and
stranded in your forgotten thoughts. Clearly, I am witnessing
the path to forgetting. My pain comes too easily.

The night is eternal, as I have wished it so. Forgetting does not afflict us all
so comfortably. If you are gone, then sadness shall be my friend.
Here in the night, where the hauntings of what are no longer mine still
visit shall I build my castle.  Here I will wait without my consent.