UNDEAD. UNDEFEATED. UNDISPUTED CHAMPION.

The UNDERTAKER

Yeah!!! It has been a long semester and it hasn't exactly been one of my best since I've shifted so I've been feeling a bit down. I was ecstatic when I heard the Undertaker won the Royal Rumble (about time too) and was making all the champions pee in their pants as to who's butt he was gonna kick on Wrestlemania 23. But nearing the "biggest event of 'em all", I heard a lot of rumors and spoilers that they were finally gonna let him lose to Batista. Which would end his 14 year 14-O winning streak at Wrestlemania and that he would also finally retire.

To me, as far as professional wrestling goes, Undertaker is the last true great icon in the industry that is still in action and is still in full fighting form. To let him go out in a fashion undeserving of his level of commitment to the business would have made me really sad and angry at how heartless the powers-that-be over at the WWE could be. And I'm not kidding. If he was gonna lose, I was never gonna watch wrestling again...probably even if the Rock was coming back.

But that didn't happen. He didn't lose. He's now 15-0 and the new heavyweight champion of the world! Yeah!! and I couldn't be happier about it. He deserves it too...and more. In and out of the ring, there's nothing bad you can say about the Undertaker. A bad-ass with good principles, a legend with unquestionable work ethic, and no one else commands as much locker room respect as he does. And for a big guy, he likes to keep a low profile and seems to be a very dedicated family man too.

It's nice to see some good guys kick some butts afterall.:)
....

"I don't need a reason to fight. I just need someone to fight." - Undertaker

All in just 00:00:06

"You need to be selfish sometimes", I remember my dad telling me that while we were shacked up in the hotel during the typhoon Milenyo. We decided to have coffee in the lobby since the tv was out; and we started to talk a bit about everything. It's funny how my dad and I tend to have bonding sessions on weird days like that one. Mostly, we were talking about future plans when he suddenly tells me, "I remember when you were younger, you we're always trying to help people. You tend to put other people first. I don't know if you're still like that now because you need to be selfish sometimes." Needless to say, the statement caught me off guard.

It took me a couple of seconds to speculate on why he brought it up. My dad probably thinks my "extended" time in college has something to do with my supposed tendency to "put other people first". Maybe he was trying to convince me to demand/ask for better things, like a better place to live in(which I already have), or a car(which wouldn't be too bad to have), or something else. Maybe, he was telling me the secret of getting by in this world- looking out for number one. Or probably he was thinking I was soft. Or maybe he was worried, that afterall these years, I would still remain the dreamer, who would one day wake up...in broken little pieces. I don't know really. So I guess I was right on just saying that the statement caught me off guard.

When I was "younger", I was told I didn't know how to refuse people who asked for my help. They told me being that way would prove to be problematic over time. I had to learn to say NO. I guess to them, it always seemed like I was swamped with work, with things most kids at that time didn't usually worry about. I was very active in school organizations, in extracurricular activities, helped out in events and other projects (usually involving my so-called artistic skills), participated in competitions and even made time to just being a soundboard to a friend in need. Sometimes, I'd end up doing other people's work while they go out gallavanting. And sometimes you get the feeling that people are slacking off in a groupwork activity just coz they know you or someone else would always be too worried or too concerned to not do it. There were even times when other people would take more credit for something I spilled more sweat and time over, although it didn't really bother me that much. Basically, what people were trying to tell me was- it puts you in a position where you can be taken advantage of. In many ways, they were probably thinking I was clueless as to how unfair the situation was to me. It isn't nice being too nice. As a matter of fact, when I was vying for the Corps Commander position in our highschool CAT, that was the reason they argued as to why I shouldn't be given the post, because I was too nice. But now I think back, it may also have had something to do with me being smaller than the other candidates and that I was also somewhat of a loner.
The worst part about remembering who you were is that you no longer know if that was who you really were at that time. What if our "nicer" selves was a person no one outside of ourselves has ever really met? I mean, I would like to think I was a nice guy. But then again, it's also probable that I wasn't really nice. Maybe it was all a figment of my imagination. Don't we all have the tendency to make ourselves the star of our own shows? Maybe I was just bored, and that was just how I spent my time. Maybe I didn't enjoy the company of most people so I busied myself with other things. Who knows really?

Although, I could honestly say that I used to care...about people. There was a time when I believed how you were to them was important. Most of the time I helped coz I couldn't stand seeing people sad or being cheated from something good. And to be quite truthful, it always felt good to do the right thing. But nowadays, doing the right thing seems to be so complicated. Or is it we have become too complicated to do the right thing?

For whatever reasons I may have done those "good" things, I don't do much of them now, if any at all. And for argument sake, let's say that was who I was, it is quite evident it isn't the reality now. We all know the saying, "things change, people change."

Which leads me back to the hotel cafe with my dad...

I realized I was sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I was no longer that boy who didn't know how to be selfish. And happy because my father still believed I was that boy (even though he thought I should stop being that boy).

....

"I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better." - Georg Lichtenburg

Just need to blah

I came down from the silence of my room, hoping there was something I could talk about. And there's probabaly a great deal of things I can talk about, but somehow they escape me when I'm in the cafe. Maybe it's the people, maybe it's the pop music playing in the backround, or just my own intimacy issues in trying to open up to anyone or anything(a computer monitor in this instance) that keeps the words from flowing.

I'm a quiet guy by nature. My relatively newer friends would probably disagree, and I wouldn't blame them. It's been a few years, and I still don't think I've really readjusted to society fully yet, although I have a lot of folks fooled. Yeah, I'm probabaly a whole lot more talkative nowadays, but only because it's less discomforting for other people that way. When you're quiet, people think you've got problems or something(which isn't a bad assumption to make). So in my effort to adapt since being released back into the wild, I've learned to compromise. I end up talking about a lot of things I don't usually talk about, things I shouldn't talk about, and a lot of things I regret, even if it's just little things most people don't bother about. Somedays I feel fake. Somedays, I am fake. Somedays I feel like I've betrayed myself. Somedays I just go into auto pilot. A lot of the days, I'm just dissapointed. I've learned to loosen up a little bit, but sometimes I forget why I thought it was all worth it...

I think I'm flattering myself when I say I'm being fake whenever I do something stupid or regrettable. For all I know, that is in fact all I've amounted to over the years. That is what I've become, I'm just everybody else. There's a quote two people have shared with me over two different instances, something about how fighting the never-ending battle to be ourselves is the greatest battle we can ever fight; well, I'll tell them I've lost that battle. I'm probably just going through the motions of self-denial of what I've finally become. A coward in life. I want so much to blame something or someone. Want to scream that it's somebodys fault why I don't have a heart. It's somebody fault I'm so cold. It's somebodys fault I can't do and be everything I want to. I want to blame somebody and tell them, "you keep me from growing a soul." But then, I realize that giving that much power to anyone over your life would be your own fault. In the end, I always realize...it is still, as always my fault. That's probably the one thing that never changes.

But if I ever felt real, most of the time, that real guy would be a quiet type of guy. He'd probabaly be a boring guy, but I've always known I'm not the life-of-the-party-kind-of-guy. I'm the type of guy people look for when they got problems, but not the type if you want a fun night out in the town, and that doesn't bother me a bit. But nowadays, I'm not the dependable shoulder to cry on anymore...if I ever was. So I guess that makes me the nowhere guy. That's probabaly what another friend of mine meant when she said, "you're here but not here."

I followed a sort of code back then in my less disappointing years. I would only talk about important things, things of relevance. I'd never share secrets that we're given to me(although I've still kept good on some up till now). I wouldn't gossip or talk about people I didn't really know. I wouldn't say anything about anyone if I couldn't say it to their face. And a whole buncha other stuff. But it was a silent code I lived by that nobody knew about. So when I was slowly changing, and the boy who lived by the code was slowly dying, nobody was around to give him a proper burial. No one even noticed the passing.

But being quiet wasn't always a good thing. I've been quiet for different reasons, even wrong ones. Some people who knew me as a quiet guy thought it made me seem all mysterious. All it really was was a lack of faith in the sincerity of human connection and a lot of distrust for people. People seemed like so much waste of saliva. You could try to talk some sense into them, but nothing would change. They thought I didn't care about things, although I really did. I just don't believe in fighting battles that can't be won. And I didn't want to be part of the mostly superficial motions of human interaction. But who knows, maybe I should've tried. Maybe I should've tried real hard.

I know I shouldn't sound so pessimistic and cynical about these things, coz in all fairness, I've also met some real people in my life. They give me air. They give me hope. They give me a reason to keep trying...or at least to try and remember to keep trying. And yeah, i know...I should give people and the world a break too and not just vice-versa.

The real problem I have nowadays is that I talk too much about things that aren't really important. Most of the things that are really on my mind merely stay there...in the realm of a confused and fractured psyche(I bet no one would argue that). If it weren't so stupid, I'd say it was funny to find myself in a predicament where I have decided to try and interact with people but decidedly keep much about myself so secret. And it leads me back to the question as to why I have to do it this way. Wait...I remember why...and I can't elaborate.

Oh the crazy human condition.

....

"We are all inclined to judge ourselves by our ideals; others, by their acts."
-Harold Nicolson