All in just 00:00:06

"You need to be selfish sometimes", I remember my dad telling me that while we were shacked up in the hotel during the typhoon Milenyo. We decided to have coffee in the lobby since the tv was out; and we started to talk a bit about everything. It's funny how my dad and I tend to have bonding sessions on weird days like that one. Mostly, we were talking about future plans when he suddenly tells me, "I remember when you were younger, you we're always trying to help people. You tend to put other people first. I don't know if you're still like that now because you need to be selfish sometimes." Needless to say, the statement caught me off guard.

It took me a couple of seconds to speculate on why he brought it up. My dad probably thinks my "extended" time in college has something to do with my supposed tendency to "put other people first". Maybe he was trying to convince me to demand/ask for better things, like a better place to live in(which I already have), or a car(which wouldn't be too bad to have), or something else. Maybe, he was telling me the secret of getting by in this world- looking out for number one. Or probably he was thinking I was soft. Or maybe he was worried, that afterall these years, I would still remain the dreamer, who would one day wake up...in broken little pieces. I don't know really. So I guess I was right on just saying that the statement caught me off guard.

When I was "younger", I was told I didn't know how to refuse people who asked for my help. They told me being that way would prove to be problematic over time. I had to learn to say NO. I guess to them, it always seemed like I was swamped with work, with things most kids at that time didn't usually worry about. I was very active in school organizations, in extracurricular activities, helped out in events and other projects (usually involving my so-called artistic skills), participated in competitions and even made time to just being a soundboard to a friend in need. Sometimes, I'd end up doing other people's work while they go out gallavanting. And sometimes you get the feeling that people are slacking off in a groupwork activity just coz they know you or someone else would always be too worried or too concerned to not do it. There were even times when other people would take more credit for something I spilled more sweat and time over, although it didn't really bother me that much. Basically, what people were trying to tell me was- it puts you in a position where you can be taken advantage of. In many ways, they were probably thinking I was clueless as to how unfair the situation was to me. It isn't nice being too nice. As a matter of fact, when I was vying for the Corps Commander position in our highschool CAT, that was the reason they argued as to why I shouldn't be given the post, because I was too nice. But now I think back, it may also have had something to do with me being smaller than the other candidates and that I was also somewhat of a loner.
The worst part about remembering who you were is that you no longer know if that was who you really were at that time. What if our "nicer" selves was a person no one outside of ourselves has ever really met? I mean, I would like to think I was a nice guy. But then again, it's also probable that I wasn't really nice. Maybe it was all a figment of my imagination. Don't we all have the tendency to make ourselves the star of our own shows? Maybe I was just bored, and that was just how I spent my time. Maybe I didn't enjoy the company of most people so I busied myself with other things. Who knows really?

Although, I could honestly say that I used to care...about people. There was a time when I believed how you were to them was important. Most of the time I helped coz I couldn't stand seeing people sad or being cheated from something good. And to be quite truthful, it always felt good to do the right thing. But nowadays, doing the right thing seems to be so complicated. Or is it we have become too complicated to do the right thing?

For whatever reasons I may have done those "good" things, I don't do much of them now, if any at all. And for argument sake, let's say that was who I was, it is quite evident it isn't the reality now. We all know the saying, "things change, people change."

Which leads me back to the hotel cafe with my dad...

I realized I was sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I was no longer that boy who didn't know how to be selfish. And happy because my father still believed I was that boy (even though he thought I should stop being that boy).

....

"I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better." - Georg Lichtenburg