She'll feel like a song... I think to myself as I lean my head against the glass and listen to the radio.  Like the scenery, images run fast and blur in an instant in my head.  There isn't necessarily a particular thought that stands out, and that's the beauty of it- when things can come to you effortlessly. Just a way of forgetting things by remembering things...ha, as if that makes sense. It's been a while since I've enjoyed a reflective ride on the way home. Usually, i just walk home on the way to my boarding house just on campus but I'm not staying there for a while. I'm doing a favor for my uncle playing watch dog over their house in Fairview because they're gonna be out of the country for a while.  It's not so bad, I get cooked food, a decent bed and tv access...finally! The only downside is having to commute back on forth...which is somewhat bothersome.  I usually end up skipping breakfast or I'll be really late for class. 
 
Wrote the first paragraph a few days ago.  I'm not feeling well...what a bummer, I get chills at night which will forever torment me whenever I get sick since I've been victim to typhoid fever a few years ago.  They say you can never really be cured from it, it just stays dormant in your system and waits until you're physically weak. But I'm not worried about it. Unlike when I was a kid, I really hate getting sick nowadays. Actually, when I was a kid...I could "fake" getting sick. I could actually induce fevers for this purpose, and I would end up spending the day just reading comics or watching tv. Later on in life, i would find out that what I experienced was a psychosomatic illness. Meaning, illnesses resulting from negative emotions. Nowadays, this talent is no longer available to me...well at least not consciously...and it's not really considered a talent. But nonetheless, here I am...bored to death, with nothing to do except watch tv reruns in the morning. Sleep is also a welcome escape from a splitting headache and a running nose. 
 
Watching over my uncle's house has its downside and its upside. Aside from the good things I mentioned earlier, I get to avoid certain individuals. Individuals who insist on inviting me out despite my constant decline especially since even if I were to consider dating...I'm only interested in WOMEN. Last time I checked, it's come to posting messages on my door in the boarding house (my room is supposed to be unknown to them by the way). It's sooo irritating. Thank God I wasn't home then. On the other hand, staying in my uncle's house can be quite scary. Just last night, the next door neighbor (as in next door talaga) was robbed at around 2 in the morning. Thankfully, nobody got hurt...and thankfully, they didn't choose to rob this house. Whew!

It's raining again outside.  I wonder if anyone notices that if you look long enough at raindrops hitting the asphalt road, they seem like a hundred white butterflies fluttering on the ground. But then again, different people see different things...and I'm not just talking about raindrops. Hmm, I'm reminded of those 3d illusion things. You know, the ones with seemingly abstract patterns but if you stare at them long enough, a definite image will appear.  I've seen these things a couple of times but I've never succeeded in seeing any image whatsoever. Never. Ever. It's just frustrating that's all. I must remember to ask someone the technique behind it all, hehe.
 
If had lived in some place like the States (or any place with a considerably large land area), one of the things I'd probably love to experience would be a road trip.  Just drive someplace, anywhere would be just fine, just drive and drive. To lose myself in an ocean of land and get that feeling of endlessness which is ultimately beautiful. To leave most things behind...worries, doubts, obligations, people (ha! as if I don't do these things well enough on regular days)...and just drive.  Of course, I'd have to worry about having a car first.  But for this purpose, I'd picture it to be something red, sporty and something preferably with the option of cruising with the top down.  To go as fast as lawfully as possible with the wind at your face with the car stereo booming...what a high that must feel like.  I wonder if I'll ever get to do that.  I wonder if I'll ever get to do a lot of things I planned on doing way back on my day dreaming days. Like traveling the world for instance.  Something I plan on doing before...ehem...settling down.  Yeah, yeah...I still have plans like those...I may be cynical about love but I don't plan on staying like that forever you know. Anyhow, a few other plans I had were learning how to cook and learning to play at least one instument proficiently. As far as the instrument playing goal is concerned, I've settled to learn at least 10  favorite songs to play on the piano. I've only learned one song so far (Right here Waiting) so I guess that means I've got nine more to go. Yeah...lots of other plans, but someone once told me that just as promises are meant to be broken, plans are meant to be sources of frustration. Sheesh, and they call me cynical.
 
In relation to my previous blog about "reality" dating, i am once again astounded(and entertained) at it's absurdity. In real life, isn't it against the rules to "see" two girls at the same time? And is it now socially acceptable nowadays to kiss torridly someone you've just met for five minutes and move on to another girl/guy in the next five minutes? In one of these kind of shows, a guy actually gets to date 25 girls at most at the same time. He gets to hang out, talk, kiss, even take a bath and etc... with them all at the same time(practically). And they all seem pretty fine with this idea. I just worry about the kiddies watching these shows nowadays especially since "parental guidance" isn't so available considering this generation usually has both parents out of the house most of the time. Or do the parents even realize the threat? Or am I just over reacting? Hehe..I probably am.
 
So here I am, in a room filled with orange light. I'm listening to the radio again. Yup, she'll feel like a song...that's when I know that lightning has struck. I don't know what she looks like, so I guess listening these songs will do for now.
 
Somebody please hit me with something hard to put me to sleep...
 
 
 
     
                 "People aren't really afraid of being serious, they only fear of not being taken seriously"-:)
 
 
 

What's up lately with all the "reality" dating shows on tv?(And what's up with me actually watching them?haha). Yes, i have to admit that I do find them entertaining, but only because it gives me something to laugh or gripe about. It really is hilarious. You won't believe to what lengths the guys and girls go through just to land a date or get chosen by some girl or guy. Instead of being the "supposed" search for true love that every program of the like confesses to be, in the end, it just ends up being a game where I think the main factors that play out revolve mainly on their personal egos. Instead of worrying who their potential partners are, they seem to worry more about how not to "not get picked".

The common m.o. of most of these programs is that it involves one male or female then a couple of people of the opposite sex(sometimes even dozens of them). Then you mix them up some place and the circus begins. The funniest scene for me at one time would probably be of a guy actually getting naked in front of the girl thinking that his "package" would impress her and somehow make her choose him. But things didn't end as he expected and the girl chose the other guy. He actually went into a fit and started kicking and throwing chairs and salad dressings all over the place. I don't think you can really blame him, he just had a girl turn down his "package" on national tv. Sadly though, his ego did not plummet to earth as I hoped it would.

Another funny instance(and slightly disturbing) would be how two girls were competing for a guy's vote. To them, the path to true love involved who was better at torrid kissing(on the first date no less with someone who's practically a stranger) and as to who was better at gyrating their @$$e#. Note to women: Yes, he will be seriously thinking about you if you pull off this stunts quite well. But that kind of thinking would happen between his legs and not between the ears. But then again, nowadays, I'm seriously doubting the "thinking between the legs" thing to be a solely male phenomenon.

Several instances spring to mind, but basically i think you guys catch my drift. Maybe it's just American culture. Or maybe I'm just too conservative...kinda. But I try to think about it and its really sad. People on these type of shows only seem to talk about what they want. She wants the guy to do this, he wants her to do that. She's looking for this, he's looking for that. He couldn't do this, she couldn't do that...blah blah blah. Want, want, want, take, take, take. But hardly any of them even consider what they can actually offer or give to the other person. Personally, I think love is more about giving. Sure, a healthy relationship is give and take...but it shouldn't be anything like a business transaction. All I'm saying is, you know it's love when giving is your primary concern regardless of whether or not you get anything back in return. And probably, how the other party gives or takes would simply show if the two of you are on the same page. But love should never really be something that depends on anyone else but yourself(why do I have a nagging feeling that I'll just take back these words someday...?) Waah! Enough blabbering about this.

....

A week ago, i found myself walking around Makati for a considerably long distance. I love walking...especially at night time, but I've somewhat cut the habit coz I tend to bump into strange characters whenever I do(within UP). Anyway, I haven't done it in a long time so i found it a treat to explore the city streets of Makati. And the buildings themselves were works of art which was an added treat...I love shiny things and glass. Who doesn't? seeing people in their suits and office clothes just made me remember that as a child, I always thought that by the age I am now...I'd be one of them. No, it wasn't a depressing thought. I was just...thinking. Inside, i'm just like a kid...i still try to imagine what kind of office I will work in, will i have my own office, what will my building look like? And it gets me excited just thinking about it. I'm glad that that part of me isn't dead yet. I guess, in some little way...I still have faith in things.

....

Annoying...
Hmmm...I'm in the mood to diss some people but would rather not. I'll just have to take deep breaths and not try to think too much. It's just bothersome to be...nevermind

....

I am finally sleepy... a bit. But before I hit the hay, I just gotta write down something that's been running around my mind for no particular reason...ahh no, nevermind...too sleepy, hehe

I see no reflection on the mirror. here i am writng on the computer. nonsense...i have nothing really to say but a lot to think about go figure. i jst have toi write what i think and stop thinking about what to write. man...im tired...lots of stupid people in the world. no sense in fighting them all. im still hungry. food wasnt that good. still hungry. i dont know what else to say. what time is it? am i tyig thisa right? i dont really care. or do i stupid people. kill kill kill. haha...im a murdering psycopath pala. this exercise is suppose to reaveal my subconcoious? like how would anyone one know when your subconcious is really reavealed. i m trying to think of family and friends i miss and a beautiful sexy girl...and maybe i'll even lover her. its 1231. numbers nuimbers numbers...ike the song. How does it go? I dont know what else to write. iwant to go out. but i need money. so that means, i want more money. I dont know what to write. colors, paint, angels, nude, wings and eyes...i like the hair falls back and has a life of its own...but thats only when its long. hows my brother. better than me i suppose. how is she? i wouldnt have a clue. I keep thinking...God and damnation. iam damned. Im not doing anyhting. But im tired. Is there anyone else out there. everything is a lie. almost everything. i think. i cant get rid of the voices in my head. scary...id like to get to the beach. things to do tomorrow. hope i wont regret anything. ya...keep hoping. My ex and a good ol buddy are inviting me out for dionner. im hungrty. my friend has problems. we all do. cant help. is ten minutes over. like can i stop noew. im tired. help me. i dont think anyone would really wanbt to see my subconcious...and i also dont want them really to. death. i can remember befrpore i was born, boring...not really...just total darkness. just thinlking...like now. not really. dumb dumb du,mb. gosh....blah blah blah

thank you
my name is don

***
What i wrote above is a product of an exercise to reveal the supposed subconcious mind. For ten minutes...you have to write anyhting and everything that comes to your mind as fast as you can...with no thinking, no stopping, no editing and no distractions.

Did this exercise in class.

Oh yeah...you're suppose to write "I see" to start and when you're done, write thank you and put down "I am..."