"...and it's me you need to show... How deep is your love...hoW.. DeEp is yOur love... I really need to learn..." The song's playing right now in the cafe, one of my favorite classics. I'm reminded of times when me and my brothers just fool around the living room and do acapella's of songs like these, not that we're any good (except for the 2nd bro who actually took lessons), but still, it's fun. We're scattered around the Philippines right now, me and my family. The eldest has trips around Luzon, part of his job. The 2nd is in Bukidnon, having a barkada trip after passing the board and becoming a doctor. My dad's in Gensan, me and my youngest bro are here in...duh...Quezon City. The only two people actually still in our house right now are my mom and 3rd eldest bro (funny coz these two are like cats and Dogs...I hope the house is still standing when we get back,hehe). I wonder how interesting it would have been if we had a sister. Well, the actual reason why we reached a number of five siblings in the first place was the effort of my parents to have a daughter. Its my dads fault (for explanation: refer to biologists). But in a way, it's a good thing I guess that we are all guys na rin, since they say we are the last or only known remaining male bloodlines bearing our family name. It's leaves a higher probability to ...uhm...make sure the line doesn't end. Well, the song is finished now and I've gotta go. may exam pa ako bukas and once again I haven't studied for it yet...

"Those who don't learn from the past are condemned to repeat it"-?_?

I finally got my room back to liveable conditions, well at least for the next few weeks or so. It took me till four in the morning to finish up but it was worth it, I could breath easier now that i know there will be no more places for fist-sized spiders and foot long snakes to hide in, whew! But for some strange reason, I've always enjoyed cleaning up and rearraning my stuff after things start getting too messy. Probably, it's because I end up going down memory lane as i rediscover some trinkets of sentimental value or reread some old letters. Of course, it's not the most systematic way of going about to clean your room, but I've always been a sucker for sentimentality (though contrary to popular belief). I got to think of friends I haven't thought of in a long time. I guess I miss them, and I probably miss the way I was when I was with them too. In any case, summer is fast approaching anyway, so maybe I'll get a chance to meet the ol' gang again and catch up.

....


All this remembering stuff just reminded me that it's March of 2004. Five years ago, I would have thought of this month as the month I would graduate. And I've been thinking...thinking that if everything went on perfectly as planned and that if I had done everything that I was suppose to, I would be looking forward to graduating by the end of the month. Then probably, I would be looking forward to having my first paycheck, maybe I could get car, maybe even find someone nice...and not have to go through the guilt and the thoughts of uncertainty. Hmm, come to think of it, I'd most probably be looking forward to asking 'her' out...finally...if she still doesn't have a boyfriend or something. But sadly, my life is not on track... and I don't have any of these things to look forward to anytime soon. I'm still relatively young, but somehow I feel like I've already wasted my life away, that I have too many regrets and I gave up on a lot of things not knowing why or not even remembering when. Sometimes I feel i could have done more...I should have done more... If I knew what it was I wanted to do in the first place... I don't know. all this thinking hurts.

In the end, all I hope is that I get as many chances as it takes...to just keep trying...to keep fighting. And whether I win or lose, that it would be okay (yeah right!)...that the people closest to me could learn to say it's okay for me to fail every now and then and that they'll accept me no matter what. But then again... I did let things get this far and get way out of hand... wouldn't blame them if they didn't. I guess my pains have always been about disappointing people who expected more from me. Maybe I shouldn't have been too eager to be the good son or friend (if I ever was) when I was younger. That way, they wouldn't have expected much from me now. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone ever really gets to live out their lives, or are they just too busy living out someone elses or what someone else wants their life to be. Does anyone even realize that we don't live forever? That this meager 5 to 8 decades is all the time that will be afforded to us? ...And I'm spending mine asking all these stupid questions that won't get me anywhere. I guess I just felt like asking anyway.

....

I've finally gotten my room looking in a somewhat orderly fashion.. Sure, it took me till 4 in the morning but what's a guy to do when he can't get some sleep. Anyhow, one of the fun parts of having to rearrange stuff is that we get to rediscover or at least look over the personal stuff we have hidden away somewhere. It's always a pleasure to go down memory lane...though sometimes you can't help but feel a pang of loneliness when you realize how things have changed and relationships with old friends have been somewhat distant. Things change awfully fast.