I finally got my room back to liveable conditions, well at least for the next few weeks or so. It took me till four in the morning to finish up but it was worth it, I could breath easier now that i know there will be no more places for fist-sized spiders and foot long snakes to hide in, whew! But for some strange reason, I've always enjoyed cleaning up and rearraning my stuff after things start getting too messy. Probably, it's because I end up going down memory lane as i rediscover some trinkets of sentimental value or reread some old letters. Of course, it's not the most systematic way of going about to clean your room, but I've always been a sucker for sentimentality (though contrary to popular belief). I got to think of friends I haven't thought of in a long time. I guess I miss them, and I probably miss the way I was when I was with them too. In any case, summer is fast approaching anyway, so maybe I'll get a chance to meet the ol' gang again and catch up.

....


All this remembering stuff just reminded me that it's March of 2004. Five years ago, I would have thought of this month as the month I would graduate. And I've been thinking...thinking that if everything went on perfectly as planned and that if I had done everything that I was suppose to, I would be looking forward to graduating by the end of the month. Then probably, I would be looking forward to having my first paycheck, maybe I could get car, maybe even find someone nice...and not have to go through the guilt and the thoughts of uncertainty. Hmm, come to think of it, I'd most probably be looking forward to asking 'her' out...finally...if she still doesn't have a boyfriend or something. But sadly, my life is not on track... and I don't have any of these things to look forward to anytime soon. I'm still relatively young, but somehow I feel like I've already wasted my life away, that I have too many regrets and I gave up on a lot of things not knowing why or not even remembering when. Sometimes I feel i could have done more...I should have done more... If I knew what it was I wanted to do in the first place... I don't know. all this thinking hurts.

In the end, all I hope is that I get as many chances as it takes...to just keep trying...to keep fighting. And whether I win or lose, that it would be okay (yeah right!)...that the people closest to me could learn to say it's okay for me to fail every now and then and that they'll accept me no matter what. But then again... I did let things get this far and get way out of hand... wouldn't blame them if they didn't. I guess my pains have always been about disappointing people who expected more from me. Maybe I shouldn't have been too eager to be the good son or friend (if I ever was) when I was younger. That way, they wouldn't have expected much from me now. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone ever really gets to live out their lives, or are they just too busy living out someone elses or what someone else wants their life to be. Does anyone even realize that we don't live forever? That this meager 5 to 8 decades is all the time that will be afforded to us? ...And I'm spending mine asking all these stupid questions that won't get me anywhere. I guess I just felt like asking anyway.

....