Some days...

I wish the world would just stop turning.

There are times when something exciting comes into your life, and there are just too many things to do to let it walk through the door. There are times when my fingers itch. And they itch so much that you just want to dab something in paint, to capture in ink a perfect thought or an honest emotion that would otherwise elude you on any other day.

Sometimes I wish I had a choice. A choice to not fall in line, to not worry about deadlines, to not follow the seasons and the dates. I wish I didn't care so much about the social order of things, and just how we need to follow the roads that have been set before us just because it's the way it's always been done- or worse, it's the only thing people really care to understand...God forbid if we ever really take any real risks on this thing called life.

Feeling real is so rare(or at least acknowledging which of our emotions are). Being real is almost only something actors do in a movie. But when these things do come along, we shove them away with the same arrogance some people have with their lovers, thinking they will eventually come back. But they don't. Time only ticks away, and oppurtunities don't even get the chance to become memories. Then people wonder why they wake up one day and realize they've lost all the magic they used to see in life. And why do we do this? I'll tell you why. Because we've given ourselves up to little compromises, a few little half-truths to keep us going but never really trying. Because we drown in expections-from ourselves and from other people. We work so hard to get a piece of paper, hoping it's what defines us, and it tells people just how great, or normal, or accomplished, or just about whatever it is we want(or don't want) people to think about us. But in the end, all it really is is just some piece of paper with some ink on it. And we know it. We forget most of the time, but we know. And every time, when it's quiet, or when we're alone, we hear it...the aching of our hearts. I guess that's one reason why most people don't want to be alone, or at least never be in a place too quiet to hear it. Sometimes, we just become a mess of "have-to-dos" never realizing that it's really a "this will have to do."

And even if people had the chance, it comes so rare that they no longer know what to do with it. Sometimes, having chances scares us. I read(or heard) somewhere that what people really look for are excuses, not chances. People are afraid of their own potential for greatness. As Mr. Incredible put it, "Who wants the pressure of being super all the time?" The problem with doing great things, or the right things, is that it sets you apart. It makes you different. It makes you alone. The vampire Lestat in one of Anne Rice's novels observed, "...people of certain greatness always suffer some degree of loneliness." Now I cannot speak of greatness on a personal note, but anyone who's tried at one time or another to do the good they can know how lonely it can be.

But I understand, it's not easy...if even possible to bear the weight of how the world works.
But here I am. I want to be real. I want to try. Even if it's just for a night.
I want the world to give me a break.
I wish the world would just stop.
Just for a while... so i can breath.

....

"Life is just a chance to grow a soul." -A. Powell Davies