I feel weird. I guess I'm just not used to myself not being the insufferable walking depressant that I am. I'm probably still depressed in some way and most definitely still insufferable to some people but I'm really not used to seeing myself with this smile on my face. I dunno,...I guess I'm just really happy or just relieved and probably not really used to either of it.

....

I wrote that first paragraph a week ago...i kinda lost the thought but it'll eventually come back to me. But I take back thinking that I'm really happy. I realize that there will always be certain things about me that I just can't change. No matter how well I hide it, i'll always be a serious guy deep down. I'll always think about how I messed things up. It doesn't really bother me that I'm not getting any better at anything...it's just that I feel like I'm getting worse day by day.

It's weird that I tend to open up more to complete strangers than to friends. Sometimes, when I open up to people i know, I have a slight feeling of regret...and I don't really know why. I guess I have issues with trust. And probably issues with how I see other people's opinions about things. In some way, I see conversation with strangers quite soothing. I guess it's in the knowledge that they don't know anything about you so there's hardly any basis for bias(so I don't get the feeling that they're just saying things they feel they have to say as a friend). And in the same way, you don't know anything about them for you to put bias into their opinions. And it's also cool the way you can just bring up anything and talk about everything...which in some ways would relatively make you feel vulnerable had the conversation been with a casual friend or the sort.

I used to have something up my wall that went, "Who you really are is when nobody is watching". I tend to agree with this more than with the saying, "We are the persons we become when we are around other people"(<-not an exact quote), which seems to be quite contradictory to the former. Yes, our reactions define us, but who can say the reactions we show are the real ones? There are masks we wear to hide ourselves...and there are masks we wear to reveal ourselves. Huh, I'm not making any sense again as usual. Have to take a break for a while and get my thoughts together...