The unsent

I am tired.

How many ways can a man die? How many of his parts can be killed until it is called the whole? How many lies can one soul stomach until it screams out it's despair and suffocation?

Maybe it's better this way. No more of my broken promises. No more waiting for a change. No more hopes to be better. The silence in its own time will be a good enough goodbye.

They will understand as I do, that life goes on.

....

"All change is not growth; as all movement is not forward." -Ellen Glasgow

He was on the edge. I didn't know what to tell him. Looking down, I saw that it was quite a view, beautiful and inviting. And for a moment, I understood. So this is where broken hearts go 3am in the morning.

I used to believe in saving lives. Now I am resigned to the idea that lives simply play out based on our decisions and things we cannot control. The truths I know might not be the truths anyone wants to hear. The things people have to do might not be the things they can do. I can talk about freedom and dreams, but that would just make things harder. There is a pain in empty spaces that cannot be filled with words...well, at least none of the words I know. There is a longing, a whisper of things that might not be for this lifetime. There is waiting that could just as easily be a slow breaking. There are beautiful things you'd wish you never knew; it just makes the shadows of the world a little darker and the lies a little more cruel. I wish I could say, tomorrow would be a better day. But that's one thing among many others that I can't guarantee. I know, I really do...in your heart and mine, we just want to be set free. I'm sorry that no one would ever really know who you are. Maybe they'll miss you, the parts they knew, the parts they thought they saw. I wish I could say that someday people will finally understand. But I don't really know. I'm sorry if you've ever come to the thought that the love you found in this world was not enough, I really am.

I left him there, standing on the edge. Either way, I already knew...that somebody already died that night.

....

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

-Barry Lopez

I try so hard to find my words for you to the tune of yellow.
This love began with crowded halls and orange street lamp witnesses.
Easily untangling from non beginnings and half spoken intentions,
the years went by in quiet protest to the wanderings of broken hearts.

Beneath the stars and skies singing with lights, I made my promise.
I recognize this moment, these passing fleeting memories are my eternity.
I know this feeling, of truths no matter how meek are undeniable,
and I already know...

I'm hers, by her side or in her dreams. She is mine, in this city or the next; and wherever my travels will take me, I will come back to her inevitably. She is the quiet in which my heart can sleep.

....

"Whether humanity will consciously follow the law of love, I do not know. But that need not disturb me. The law will work just as the law of gravitation works, whether we accept it or not. The person who discovered the law of love was a far greater scientist than any of our modern scientists. Only our explorations have not gone far enough and so it is not possible for everyone t0 see all its workings." -Mohandas Ghandi