Hands down this is the best day
I can ever remember. I'll always remember,
The sound of the stereo,
down to the soft lights,
the scent of your hair
that you twirled in your fingers.
And the time of the clock,
when we realized it's so late,
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet and the gate was locked,
so I jumped it, and let you in.
And you stood at your door
with your hands on my waist,
And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew, that you meant it.
That you meant it, that you meant it...
I knew...that you meant it.
-words from the song Hands Down, by the Dashboard Confessionals
....
Still, some memories continue to persist. Still, the weight of her head burdens my shoulders. Still, her absent fingers keep me from holding any other. Though I keep her faceless, she keeps me. And until the shadows lift from my wall, I will wait for no other.
....
"If we are not empty, we become a block of matter.
We cannot breathe, we cannot think.
To be empty means to be alive, to breathe in and to breathe out.
We cannot be alive if we are not empty.
Emptiness is impermanence, it is change.
We should not complain about impermanence,
because without impermanence, nothing is possible." -Nhat Hanh
There has always been something in silence that seduced me. The quiet things somehow seem more moving, more potent. So much stays in the realm of the unsaid, and after everything else, still so much would remain when we could say all that we can.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Conversations depicted herein were originally in Visayan
It wasn't much of what she said, but how she said it with so much disdain and loathing, "born again!"
"Did you know that your cousin is already a born again?!", my mother said with outrage over the phone. "What has she been thinking? Why has she allowed herself to be influenced by those kind of people? She has allowed herself to be tempted! Has there been anyone tempting you?", I don't offer a reply and thankfully she continues to rant off. "Do you know your grandmother is very angry about it? It's the family religion! Born a Catholic, die a Catholic. How can she betray her family? She's gone insane! When she(my cousin), went back home in Davao, she refused to go to church. What's wrong with her?! She's really gone crazy. Don, don't ever allow yourself to end up like her. Don't allow yourself to be influenced by people like that in manila, you're better than that! Has anyone approached you? Avoid them. Has there been anyone talking to you? There's nothing wrong with talking to Mary, or to the saints...we're not worshipping them. Your cousin has really gone crazy..."
"Ma, she's old already, maybe it's better to leave her to make her own decisions..." I manage to say in the end. Then I come up with something else to talk about coz it's hardly a topic I want to dwell in, for the moment.
When the phone conversation is finally over, I feel my chest sag with heaviness. One day, I will be the one they will call "insane", "a betrayer of the family",and "stupid"...amongst other things. But it is hardly the insults that worry me. But the thought that one day, I would have to stand by the truth I have found no matter what. Even if it means going against family. When that day comes, may God grant me the courage to pull through.
....
"When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow." -Anais Nin,
It wasn't much of what she said, but how she said it with so much disdain and loathing, "born again!"
"Did you know that your cousin is already a born again?!", my mother said with outrage over the phone. "What has she been thinking? Why has she allowed herself to be influenced by those kind of people? She has allowed herself to be tempted! Has there been anyone tempting you?", I don't offer a reply and thankfully she continues to rant off. "Do you know your grandmother is very angry about it? It's the family religion! Born a Catholic, die a Catholic. How can she betray her family? She's gone insane! When she(my cousin), went back home in Davao, she refused to go to church. What's wrong with her?! She's really gone crazy. Don, don't ever allow yourself to end up like her. Don't allow yourself to be influenced by people like that in manila, you're better than that! Has anyone approached you? Avoid them. Has there been anyone talking to you? There's nothing wrong with talking to Mary, or to the saints...we're not worshipping them. Your cousin has really gone crazy..."
"Ma, she's old already, maybe it's better to leave her to make her own decisions..." I manage to say in the end. Then I come up with something else to talk about coz it's hardly a topic I want to dwell in, for the moment.
When the phone conversation is finally over, I feel my chest sag with heaviness. One day, I will be the one they will call "insane", "a betrayer of the family",and "stupid"...amongst other things. But it is hardly the insults that worry me. But the thought that one day, I would have to stand by the truth I have found no matter what. Even if it means going against family. When that day comes, may God grant me the courage to pull through.
....
"When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow." -Anais Nin,
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
NEW YEAR 2006
We are all gathered in the sala just a few minutes before the clock actually hits the new year with most of us just watching tv when suddenly loud explosions of firecrackers erupt just outside our front door and by the car garage. My mom being her panic-prone usual self rushes out to look out of the hallway window and shout, "Nasunog atong Balay!". Knowing our mom usually overeacts, we hardly budge...but she keeps on screaming it, so I go to look outside the window. I don't see a fire but I do see cinders and the area by the front door is covered by a LOT of paper bits and ashes. So the explosions really did happen just outside the door. And as I was still trying to figure out what might have happened, my mom goes to open the main door and shouted at the top of her lungs (there were firecrackers still exploding outside), "Hoooooooooy! Ayaw impanglabay inyong mga pabuto diri!"...and other stuff pa. My brothers and I try to dissuade from shouting anymore and that it wasn't a good idea (oNe of my brothers mentioning that the fireworks were ours and that it might have exploded by accident), but she still seemed too angry about it and was convinced that the neighbors threw firecrackers at our house. Eventually my dad got up and went upstairs to his room to get a cap and coat then headed outside to our neighbors house.
I didn't witness the how my dad initially approached the neighbors, but my older brother told me that he marched on straight ahead ,unflinching to the noisy festivities happening around him. He talks to the first two guys he approaches and a little while later is joined by another guy. Now this "new" guy was unfortunately the
kind who had a short temper and the conversation started to get out of hand. I step outside when I hear shouting and I see that things aren't looking too good. Several people are now in front of our yard while two of my brothers stand by my dad. The "new" guy was by now itching for a fight and was taunting my dad to come out and have a brawl right on the street. He was jumping and screaming trying to get into our yard while two other guys who had cooler heads were trying to keep him back. This went on for a loooong 5 minutes and later on there were people arguing here and there. I take of my coat expecting the worst as some of them continue to shout at us and that we have no right accusing them and such and all that. Then security comes...my mom called them in to deflate the situation and that's when we go back into the house while tempers were still flaring outside. We all sit by the sala again...but no one says anything. A little later, my parents talk about how it was "handled" and how it will be resolved, and who's fault it really was blah, blah, blah...then everybody except me and an older brother slept after that. We watched tv till 4...
Most likely, this is what really happened. My crazy brothers left some firecrackers outside unattended, and when the neighbors started celebrating the new year with fireworks, it couldnt be avoided that cinders and strays would reach our yard by accident and ignited our firecrackers. My mom made the mistake of shouting accusations too quickly, too soon; and my dad made the mistake of dashing into the neighbors house with half-baked facts, which was an invitiation to escalate the situation outta proportion. We would have had our asses handed to us if it ended in a brawl, and we would have deserved it.
Anyway...
Happy new year to everybody!
....
"If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again."-Mary Beth Danielson
We are all gathered in the sala just a few minutes before the clock actually hits the new year with most of us just watching tv when suddenly loud explosions of firecrackers erupt just outside our front door and by the car garage. My mom being her panic-prone usual self rushes out to look out of the hallway window and shout, "Nasunog atong Balay!". Knowing our mom usually overeacts, we hardly budge...but she keeps on screaming it, so I go to look outside the window. I don't see a fire but I do see cinders and the area by the front door is covered by a LOT of paper bits and ashes. So the explosions really did happen just outside the door. And as I was still trying to figure out what might have happened, my mom goes to open the main door and shouted at the top of her lungs (there were firecrackers still exploding outside), "Hoooooooooy! Ayaw impanglabay inyong mga pabuto diri!"...and other stuff pa. My brothers and I try to dissuade from shouting anymore and that it wasn't a good idea (oNe of my brothers mentioning that the fireworks were ours and that it might have exploded by accident), but she still seemed too angry about it and was convinced that the neighbors threw firecrackers at our house. Eventually my dad got up and went upstairs to his room to get a cap and coat then headed outside to our neighbors house.
I didn't witness the how my dad initially approached the neighbors, but my older brother told me that he marched on straight ahead ,unflinching to the noisy festivities happening around him. He talks to the first two guys he approaches and a little while later is joined by another guy. Now this "new" guy was unfortunately the
kind who had a short temper and the conversation started to get out of hand. I step outside when I hear shouting and I see that things aren't looking too good. Several people are now in front of our yard while two of my brothers stand by my dad. The "new" guy was by now itching for a fight and was taunting my dad to come out and have a brawl right on the street. He was jumping and screaming trying to get into our yard while two other guys who had cooler heads were trying to keep him back. This went on for a loooong 5 minutes and later on there were people arguing here and there. I take of my coat expecting the worst as some of them continue to shout at us and that we have no right accusing them and such and all that. Then security comes...my mom called them in to deflate the situation and that's when we go back into the house while tempers were still flaring outside. We all sit by the sala again...but no one says anything. A little later, my parents talk about how it was "handled" and how it will be resolved, and who's fault it really was blah, blah, blah...then everybody except me and an older brother slept after that. We watched tv till 4...
Most likely, this is what really happened. My crazy brothers left some firecrackers outside unattended, and when the neighbors started celebrating the new year with fireworks, it couldnt be avoided that cinders and strays would reach our yard by accident and ignited our firecrackers. My mom made the mistake of shouting accusations too quickly, too soon; and my dad made the mistake of dashing into the neighbors house with half-baked facts, which was an invitiation to escalate the situation outta proportion. We would have had our asses handed to us if it ended in a brawl, and we would have deserved it.
Anyway...
Happy new year to everybody!
....
"If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again."-Mary Beth Danielson